IRONFAT
by Omegaphoenix2020
Summary: Parodying the "Iron man" films, Eric Cartman is captured by hippies, who try to force him to build a weapon of mass destruction. He instead builds a battlesuit to escape and is now out to save the world from sinister hippies as the superhero, Iron Ric!
1. Eric Cartman: Hippie Slayer

**Omega note: **Yes, I'm well-aware of the fact that the Iron Man movies came out years prior and that I'm a little behind in terms of parodying them, but I've had the idea in my head pretty much ever since I started watching South Park and reading ArchangelRG91's SP fic and I figure it's high time to put my favorite hobby and one of my favorite shows together! Now, this story has four parts to it (the first two representing the first movie and the other two representing the second) and for each part lies references to an event in the movies. If you have seen the movies, let's see if you can point them out! If not, I would still like you to read, review, and enjoy my first fanfiction…EVER!

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><p><strong>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED…POORLY. THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE<strong>

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><p>Singer: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.<p>

Stan and Kyle: FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE, HUMBLE FOLK WITHOUT TEMPTATION!

Singer: Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Cartman: AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING "HOWDY NEIGHBOR"!

Singer: Heading down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Kenny (though muffled): I LIKE FUCKING SILLY BITCHES, CAUSE I KNOW MY PENIS LIKES IT!

Singer: So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine!

* * *

><p>The screen opens up on the outside of South Park Elementary as it often does. In Mr. Garrison's class, when Stan walks into the room, all of the students (save for Cartman, who was focused on writing something at his desk) run up to him and grant him high praise and admiration for some reason. Kyle and Kenny pat his back while Wendy hugs and kisses him on the lips.<p>

"W-What'd I do?" Stan stutters modestly.

"Don't be modest, Killer Marsh!" Jenny Simons, having somehow recovered after her "crapped-pants ordeal" in **Bass to Mouth**, walks up to Stan to show him the Dairy Planet newspaper (which reads at the top "STAN STONES SIXTH-GRADER") that depicts him knocking out the sixth grade leader with a right cross in an apparent boxing match! "Can I get a quote?"

"Uh, Yeah!" Stan wraps his arm around Wendy's waist, "Don't be a douche and mess with people like my girlfriend!"

"Heard that, Cartman?" Kyle looks in Cartman's direction threateningly, but Cartman remains focused on his work. "Cartman?"

"Maybe he finally ran out of shit to say!" Kenny utters muffled.

"Not a chance, dude." Stan shakes his head from left to right in disbelief.

"Yeah, not the fat boy I know." Kyle adds. His insult causes Cartman only to growl, but not loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Okay, students. Let's take our seats." Mr. Garrison walks into the room as the bell rings and the kids take their respective seats. "Today, we will be discussing stratovolcanoes and how they affected the world over the past hundred years. One of the most famous examples is that of Mount Vesuvius, which erupted in Italy in AD 79 and utterly destroyed the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum and killed a lot of people in the most horrible way imaginable."

Mr. Garrison then ceases lecturing to sternly look at Cartman, expecting him to express his latest display of sadism despite the horrific situation. All of the kids in class follow suit, preparing to mentally express their annoyance with the obese child. But to everyone's surprise, Cartman remains emotionless and focused on his work, doing nothing more than turning a piece of paper over to continue writing.

"Huh." Mr. Garrison continues his lecture in shock. "Who can give me another example?"

"I can!" Kyle raises his hand as he looks at Cartman, expecting his "friend" to mock him. But once again, the overweight boy remains dedicated to his task.

"Go ahead, Kyle." Mr. Garrison motions.

"Mount St. Helens erupted on May 18, 1980 at 8:32 am PDT and is considered the most economically disastrous volcanic event in American history." Kyle answers. "Fifty-seven people were killed and over 200 houses were destroyed."

Everyone again looks at Cartman and realize that not even a smirk could crack his face at this point, which they find quite abnormal. Finally, he takes notice of everyone's attention towards him and utters, "Mount Parkerstone. The volcano me Stan, Kyle, and Kenny went to last year to hunt animals with Stan's Uncle Jimbo."

As he continues to work, a shocked Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other before the screen shifts to the school playground at recess, where everyone (except for Cartman, who continues writing on the school's steps but this time, with a slight smile on his face) has all the fun in the world before they have to come back in and get back to work. Unable to ignore Cartman's sudden shift in behavior anymore, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Token, Butters, and Jimmy walk up to him.

"Hey! You're blocking my light!" Cartman complains, but changes his facial expression back to slight happiness when he realizes who they are. "Oh, just you!"

"What's goin' on with you, Cartman?" Kyle demands an explanation, but not out of anger…this time. "It's not like you to not rip on people who get wasted by lava or whatever!"

"Yeah! And since when did you start blowin' us off at recess just to write? And what're you writing?" Stan reaches for Cartman's papers.

"Uh…" Cartman stands up and put his papers behind his back defensively. "I think it'd be easier to show and tell than to just…tell, guys. Meet me at Redbone Avenue at 8:00 tonight and I'll tell show and tell ya everything. But just you guys, 'kay? I mean it! Tell and bring anyone else, I'll kick all of you in the nuts!"

* * *

><p>Later that night, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Jimmy, Butters, and Craig walk down the street to reach the address given to them by Cartman.<p>

"So, w-w-w-why do you think Eric called us out this late f-f-f-for?" Jimmy wonders.

"Got me." Token shrugs. "Kinda weird to think it's got everything to do with that stuff he was writing."

"Hope it's not another dick measurement." Craig jokes with his nasal voice.

The boys arrive at Redbone Avenue and see that the only visible structure around is a white clubhouse made to look like a mansion.

"Whoa, dude!" Kyle exclaims, obviously impressed with the structure's size and quality.

"My family and I should move in here!" Kenny muffles impressed.

Stan opens the front door. To his and his friends' surprise, the clubhouse is beautifully decorated with a fountain in the middle of the floor and a large staircase almost right behind it! On the boys' left and right were long hallways in foyers.

"Holy shit, dude!" Stan utters surprised. "How long's Cartman been keepin' a place like this from us?"

"Oh, gee whiz, fellers. This looks like the kind of place where you se-see pretty girls dressed in, uh, maid outfits!" Butters adds.

"Don't go far with it, Butters." Kyle shrugs off that idea. "Cartman would call a girl a "semen-hungry skank" before he would hire-"

"Hiya, guys!" Suddenly, seven girls (obviously no older than the boys themselves), six dressed in incredibly thin and revealing maid outfits and sporting heavy make-up, walk out in front of the seven boys with all but Stan and Kyle becoming aroused by their appearance.

"Welcome to Mr. Cartman's home away from home!" The lead girl greets. She is the only one wearing her light-red hair in a ponytail and wearing a white dress shirt, a black dress jacket, black skirt, and black high-heeled shoes. "I'm Brittany Walsh, Mr. Cartman's personal assistant. If you four boys would follow these lovely ladies to the media room…"

Brittany pointed to Token, Butters, Craig, and Jimmy before four of the maids walk up to them; two grabbing Token's arms, one each grabbing Craig and Butters' arms, and all of whom motioning for Jimmy to follow them off-screen.

"As for you three boys, Mr. Cartman wants to see you personally." Brittany tells Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.

"Well, where is he?" Kenny asks.

"By the pool. Follow me, please!" Brittany leads the three boys through the left foyer to reach Cartman. The maids follow, but Brittany commands, "Go service the other boys. I got this."

As the maids walk off, Brittany brings the boys by Cartman's pool, where Cartman himself is seen sitting in a lawn chair facing the direction of the pool.

"They're here!" Brittany touches his chair. "Will that be all, Mr. Cartman?"

"That'll be all, Ms. Walsh." Mr. Cartman kindly dismisses his assistant.

As Brittany walks off-screen, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk up to Cartman.

"All right, Cartman, we're here. Time to—whoa!" Stan exclaims.

"What, you don't like my new look? Did it myself!" Cartman turns to show that he has dyed his hair black and put a fake black goatee on his face so that he could resemble Tony Stark from the Iron man movies! He is even wearing a burgundy dress shirt, black dress pants, and black dress shoes!

"What's gotten into you?" Kyle asks curious and a tad impatient. "How'd you get this place? How long have you had it? What are you up to and tell me why we should care?"

"Anybody ever tell you that you ask more questions than a gay guy in a straight room?" Cartman stands up. "Follow me!"

* * *

><p>Moments later, the four boys are in an apparent workshop that, oddly, pretty much only has blueprints of all different kinds of weapons obviously designed and built by Cartman either on the walls or on the desks. There is also, however, a small, flat screen on the wall that Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting in front of as they had Cheesy Poofs, donuts, and soda. As Cartman sips his soda in a martini glass, something started to play on the screen when a man's voice utters...<p>

"_HIPPIES. AMERICA'S LATEST GROWING PROBLEM." _We see many of the hippies that were previously seen in the episode **Die Hippie Die **doing things from drinking acid to playing guitars in a fashion that annoys and horrifies the civilians surrounding them. _"ORIGINALLY ATTEMPTING TO FORCE A NEW UTOPIA UPON THE EARTH BY ANNOYING THE BEJESUS OUT OF EVERYONE, THEY GRADUALLY BEGAN TO LEARN THAT THEIR METHODS WERE FUTILE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT'S FORCES. PUSHED TO THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION, THEY HAVE DECIDED TO PUT THE "ENFORCE" BACK INTO PEACE ENFORCEMENT AND CARRY OUT THEIR UTOPIAN DREAMS THROUGH…TERRORISM!" _Next, we see Hippies, who now resemble Arab terrorists from the Iron man movies (but are wearing Eco-friendly suits and rags with peace symbols on them), shooting at well-dressed and influential people with bullets laced with acid and rocket-grenades laced with pot and designed to look like bongos! Others are seen tormenting civilians and destroying homes and machinery using the sonic waves of their guitars! One of them being Stan's dad, Randy!

"Jesus, dude!" Stan exclaims, concerned for his father.

"_THOUGH THE MILITARY PUT SOME FUNDING INTO STOPPING THE HIPPIES, THE TABLES HAVE UNFORTUNATELY TURNED AND __**THEIR **__FORCES HURDLED TOWARDS THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION." _The man continues. _"THAT WAS UNTIL THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW BEACON OF HOPE…ERIC CARTMAN." _An image of Cartman in his Tony Stark look and a black suit appear as an unseen audience applauds. _"VISIONARY. MOGUL. CHILD PRODIGY. FROM AN EARLY AGE, HE BEGAN HIS DISDAIN TOWARDS HIPPIES AND DESIRED TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE BY RIDDING IT OF SAID BASTARDS."_

"The hell? Are you serious?" Kyle scoffs. Even though he himself despises Hippies after admitting it in **Fun with Veal **and becoming further disgusted in **Die Hippie Die**, he finds everything about what he was seeing improbable and illogical.

"Shh! This is the best part!" Cartman reprimands Kyle. _"Noisy Jew!"_

"_AT AGE 3, HE CAUGHT HIS FIRST COLONY OF GIGGLING STONERS." _An image shows Cartman, at three years old, trapping a dozen angry pot-smoking hippies in a large fishnet. _"AND AT AGE 6, HIS FIRST PACK OF ACID-DRINKERS." _An image shows six-year-old Cartman locking half a dozen angry acid-drinkers in a large cage. _"BUT PERHAPS MOST NOTABLY, HE SAVED HIS TOWN OF SOUTH PARK, COLORADO FROM THE DEADLIEST HIPPIE SWARM IN HISTORY AT AGE 8." _We see an image of Cartman, Butters' mom Linda, Stan's dad, Randy, and the then-alive Chef standing just outside of their giant drill machine in **Die Hippie Die**. _"BUT DESPITE THIS, HE FELT THAT HE COULD STILL DO MORE FOR THE WORLD."_

We see an image of a bald kid in a blue suit just a few years older than Cartman (and wearing a fake gray beard) as the man continues, _"LEGENDARY HIPPIE-CONTROL WEAPON DEVELOPER ZACHARIAH CHAIN ADMITTED TO THE PUBLIC THAT WITH THE HIPPIES FIGHTING BACK IN AN OVERWHELMING WAY, HE WAS INCLINED TO SEVER TIES WITH THE MILITARY UNTIL ONE YEAR LATER, USING FINANCES GAINED FROM OTHER HIPPIE FIGHTING MISSIONS, YOUNG ERIC BOUGHT CHAIN ENTERPRISES, NOW CALLED "CARTMAN INDUSTRIES", AND WAS ANOINTED CEO." _Again, the off-screen audience applauds with an image of Cartman, his hair being dyed black and his black goatee not yet being there, shaking hands with Zachariah appears. Images of the different weapons Cartman obviously built, from rifles to grenade/missile launchers, appear on the screen and as more pictures of a bearded, smiling Cartman appear, the man continues, _"PERSONALLY HANDLING THE TECHNOLOGY, ERIC USHERED IN A NEW ERA OF HIPPIE-FIGHTING OFFENSES THAT ENSURE LASTING DEFENSES AROUND THE NATION."_

Once the clip ends, the lights click on and Cartman smirks at his "friends", "There you have it! That's why I've got a fortune, this clubhouse, and the ass of an 11-year-old masseuse every Friday at 9:00!"

"Still doesn't answer what you were writing earlier today." Stan reminds Cartman.

"That was my speech." Cartman replied. "I have to fly to Nevada and present my latest weapon this weekend. Hope I'll be back in time for the Terrance and Phillip Spring Break marathon next week. But on to present matters, I'd like you three gentlemen, my closest friends, to work for me. Trust me. You'll get the sweetest check in the history of sweet checks."

"You're full of shit, Fatso!" Kenny muffles angrily. "You talk about wiping out hippies to keep people safe, but you decide to keep all the money to yourself instead of giving it to poor people who's lives were destroyed by the hippies!"

"Hey, I make weapons, Kenny! Not welfare tickets!" Cartman snaps. "And don't call me fat, you fucking asshole!"

"Errgh!" Kenny walks off-screen frustrated.

"So, what do you say, guys?" Cartman asks Stan and Kyle.

"I'd say you're fat and need to take that stupid-ass beard off, but I think I did that once! I think hippies are gaywads as much as you do, but only a dumbass would compare them to terrorists!" Kyle replies before he too walks off-screen.

"Stan, before you walk off, think about it!" Cartman walks up to Stan and touches his shoulder. "A day in my employ will make the scraps of shit your parents pay you look like allowance."

"Uh, dude. That _is _allowance." Stan corrects Cartman.

"Look, the point is, with me, in less than 3 years, you'll be set for life and will get to buy your whor—uh, your _Wendy_ everything she ever wanted, and she'll give you everything you ever need." Cartman explains, piquing Stan's interest. "And I'm sure you know what that means. A weekend alone with Wendy at my summerhouse in Middle Park as a monthly bonus. With no interruptions, you'll get to wrap your hands all over her tight little ass and fat hooters. Sounds good doesn't it, Stan? A perfect weekend with your girl each month. Screaming your name each and every time."

"What's the job?" Stan excitedly grabs Cartman's shirt!

"Well, I hear you're one helluva kart driver and you beat the shit outta that sixth grade dick in boxing so, I'd like you to be my personal chauffer, bodyguard, and head of security!" Cartman sticks his hand out before Stan willingly shakes it. "All right, ready for your first job?"

"Hell, yeah." Stan excitedly replies.

"Good, 'cause where I'm goin' is the first place _they_ might come lookin' for me. Reporters! Paparazzi! Hippie-lovin' pussies!" Cartman's facial expression turns grave. "It's very important that I go here to pick-up what's mine for the sake of tomorrow's flight. Be prepared, Stan. Things might get ugly."

* * *

><p>The screen shifts to the inside of Cartman's house, where his mother, Liane hands him a small, unwrapped package while Stan (who is now dressed like Happy Hogan from the Iron man movies) and three other boys his and Cartman's age stand behind him (Cartman).<p>

"Here you are, sweetie! Have fun!" Liane smiles.

"Cool, thanks mom!" Cartman and the others leave.

"Hey, Cartman? How come you got that Brittany girl as your personal assistant? I thought you had issues with Gingers?" Stan asks.

"Keyword: Had!" Cartman replies as he and his security walk up to his apparent limousine-like go-kart. "My toy Leon Kennedy is wise as any dad. Said that since I'm half-ginger, might as well square with it. Stay in denial for too long, you'll go crazy and do something like cut somebody up. Plus, Britt's got a sweet ass."

"Mr. Cartman! Excuse me, Mr. Cartman!" Jenny Simons runs up to the group, but is forced to stop by three of Cartman's guards, excluding Stan.

"It's Jenny." Stan whispers to Cartman.

"Simons?" Cartman asks, somewhat surprised, as Stan nods. Cartman turns around, "Yeah, hi. Were you following me?"

"You could say that." Jenny replies. "You weren't at your clubhouse. Now, as you know, I work at our school newspaper and I was wondering if I could ask you some questions."

"Better not be the prying kind." Cartman warns.

"You've been called the "child version of the Davinci of our time", how do you feel about that?" Jenny asks.

"Pissed off, 'cause I look nothing like a ninja turtle." Cartman utters.

"You've also been called the "Killer Shark of Pothead waters"!" Jenny continues.

"Hmm, I like that." Cartman approves. "Seriously, Jenny, you think I'm not onto you?"

"Excuse me?" Jenny asks, a tad offended.

"You're tryin' to use what I say out of context so you can make me look like another rich war profiteer. Well let me tell you something, Ms. Simons. It's a fucked up world, but it's also all we got. And the day hippies get a clue and I won't have to keep proving weapons aren't needed, I'll go back to helpin' kids get back at their parents for bullcrap."

"You seriously serious about that?"

"Dead serious, actually. I'll show you the records I have for that venture firsthand."

"Look, I just want a straight answer."

"Too bad. Not gonna let you make me look like a war profiteer. Sorry, Jen!"

"You know what they say? Guilty dogs bark first. And ink or no ink, you're doing it now!"

"Look here, ho." Cartman removes his glasses annoyed. "You're gonna stand there and tell me that the violent removal of hippies hasn't spawned some freakin' great results? No stoners means no disastrous fumes murdering babies on the brink of glorious childhood. No drum circles means everyone can get up from sleep and get on with their lives and stay out of kids' asses. That and more, military funding, sweetheart."

"Whoa. Got to get up early in the morning?" Jenny exclaims charmed.

"Depends. What do you want now?" Cartman smirks suggestively.

* * *

><p>Seconds later, in Cartman's bedroom, a half-naked Jenny is making out with butt-naked Cartman on his bed as both moaned pleasurably. Several seconds later, Jenny, now butt-naked and having her chest covered by Cartman's arms, moaned passionately as Cartman strokes his off-screen penis in and out of her. Once both reached their edge, Jenny sighs satisfied as Cartman yells, "WHA-POW!"<p>

* * *

><p>The next morning, a black-suited Cartman is on a large jet plane with his company's name on it, sitting across from an almost life-sized Leon Kennedy action figure. Cartman opens his package and finds a DVD disk before he excitedly pops it into a portable DVD player and a big TV appears before the "two". The DVD parodies the theme music video of the Apprentice's first season with Cartman filling all the positions with Donald Trump and unknown kids being the candidates. Once it was over, Cartman, as if his toy was speaking with him, replies to it, "Yeah, it does make me look fat, Leon. They'll see that I'm not when I show up for the first episode."<p>

"_Mr. Cartman, we will be landing shortly!" _An apparent 8-year-old pilot tells Cartman.

"Kay!" Cartman yells back. As if the toy is speaking to him again, Cartman replies, "You heard about me and Jenny? No, Leon! It's _oral_ sex that's disgusting! I mean, c'mon! Girls' mouths don't belong on schlongs! They could throw up and burn them off! Oh, sweet! We're here!"

The plane successfully lands before, seconds later, the screen shifts to the middle of the Nevada desert, where Cartman introduces his latest hippie-slaying weapon to the military and men in black suits (obviously Government officials).

"Is it better to be feared or respected?" Cartman starts. "In the case of the enemy, feared. 'Cause we want them gone, not dick-sucking us. With that, I present to you the crown jewel of Cartman Industries' weapon treasure room. You let one of these dogs off the chain, the story villains won't come within 6,300 klicks of innocent civilians ever again."

Cartman motions for a multiple missile launcher (parodying the one used by Stark) to launch one of the missiles into the air. It breaks off into other little missiles and falls all around the land, leaving behind dark red explosions and the strong odor of decaying flesh! Cartman utters smugly, "For your consideration…the Fineso! "Final Solution" if you can't keep up with today's lingual."

"Why does it smell like dead meat?" One of the Gov. officials asks.

"'Cause it is." Cartman walks over to a cooler that automatically opens to show twelve small glasses of root beer and four tall bottles of Ginger Ale. He takes one of the small glasses, "If hippies hate the sight and smell of the dead animals we eat, then touching it will scar 'em for sure. Especially when I added a little…spice if you will. To peace."

As Cartman sips his soda, he gets a call from Zachariah on his Iphone with the latter apparently laying in bed.

"Zach, my friend! What're you still doin' up? Your mom gave you a new curfew!" Cartman walks over to a Humvee.

"So?" Zachariah smirks.

"That's why I like you, man. You're not a pussy!"

"How'd it go?"

"Let's just say there'll be a decline in music festivals and gay peace vans before the next major celebrity birthday!"

"Hey, wait to go, man! See ya tomorrow?"

"Hey, what happened to the bunny pajamas your mom bought you?"

"Good night, Eric." Zachariah hangs up.

"Hey, Leon? See you back at base!" As he gets into his Humvee, Cartman waves at his toy, which is "drinking" a glass of root beer as he "talks" to a couple military men.

Cartman finishes off his soda and he closes his eyes as the Humvee drives off. But the moment he falls asleep, he finds himself waking up just as quickly in a cave with his suit torn, ripped, and bloody, his hair all messed up, his face and hands dirty and bloody, and a mysterious circular item on his chest underneath what's left of his dress shirt. Cartman's attention then went to a man that resembles Yinsen from the Iron man movies, whom is cooking something nearby.

"Who the hell are you?" Cartman turns to the man.

"Careful. You'll squish your present." The man warns.

Cartman looks at what is wrapped in bandages under his chest. As the screen zooms in on him for dramatic affect, he unwraps the bandages until, to his surprise and shock, he sees…"Wow! A chocolate donut with sprinkles!" He gobbles it down in seconds before he sits up to face the man.

"Took two when a hippie wasn't looking." The man explained. "And to answer your previous question, my name is Joe Hensen."

"Hippie, what? There are hippies? Here? What is this place?" Cartman gets up and looks around frantically and surprised.

"Where do you think, little Ikeman?" Just then, Joe stands up and next to Cartman just as three-dozen armed hippies, led by one unarmed bald one that resembles Raza from the Iron man movies (but this man was Caucasian), walks up to the two.

"Hey, those are my weapons!" Cartman yells outraged. "How the fuck did you get my weapons? Goddamn thieving hippies!"

"Close it, kid!" Joe demands.

"Let's start with introductions, Ikemen!" The leading hippie sneers. "I'm Moosewater, leader of the Ten Drums Hippie Terrorist group. I know Hensen already but I've never had the chance to meet Eric Cartman, the most famous mass murderer in the history of…South Park, Colorado. Follow me outside!"

Led by Moosewater and forced by his group, Cartman and Joe step outside of the cave, where they find nearly every weapon designed by Cartman and manufactured by his company right there in front of them on a mass scale!

"The Fuck?" Cartman gulps horrified. "I made these to end guys like you, but you got em anyway?"

"More than just that." Moosewater explains. "These weapons, your weapons, were like, gutted of all the stuff used to kill us and replaced with things we use to kill the man's forces!"

"You-You what?" Cartman steps back appalled.

"The only one we don't have, though?" Moosewater smokes some of his pot. "Your Fineso! You're gonna make one from scratch and have the fuel be everything we got! Acid, pot, powerful guitar frequencies, all of it! When you're through, you're outta here! Deal?"

Cartman, despite being well aware of what Moosewater means by "you're outta here", willingly shakes his new enemy's hand with a smile, worrying the heck out of Joe.

* * *

><p>Seconds later in the cave, Joe reprimands Cartman for making the deal with Moosewater nonchalantly. While Joe does so, Cartman is busy drawing something on a long piece of paper.<p>

"Have you lost your freakin' mind, Eric?" Joe pulls his hair worried. "They'll kill me! You! And if they don't, we'll both be dead in-"

"Dude! Shut up!" Cartman turns around annoyed and prepared to show Joe what he's got. "They're not gonna kill us! Won't even get the fucking chance! Know why? 'Cause we got this!"

Cartman shows Joe a picture of a bulky powered exoskeleton large enough to fit himself. Joe looks on impressed.

"Well…shall we get to work?" Joe asks.

* * *

><p>For the next couple days, Cartman and Joe work extensively on the former's battlesuit. Moosewater is watching the two via a surveillance feed, but is far too high to realize the details.<p>

"Ha! Ha! Can't wait to fucking waste those Ikemen!" Moosewater laughs, being very stoned.

* * *

><p>Parodying the same scene from the first movie, complete with the dramatic background music, Cartman bangs on a steel mask repeatedly before he puts it in water to emit steam and cool. He drops it on the table in front of Hensen, "Suit up."<p>

* * *

><p>About an hour later, just outside the cave, Cartman, in his completed, crude suit of armor, busts through the door with his armor and begins to destroy all of his weapons with the hippies' apparently intensified acid coming out of his arms' guns!<p>

"HOW 'BOUT THIS ACID? HUH? FAGS!" Cartman continues destroying weapons and indirectly bringing physical and fatal harm to many of the hippies!

"LISTEN UP, BITCHES! I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE FROM ANY OF YOU AGAIN!" Joe uses a "hippie-control sound gun" to destroy and incinerate not just the weapons in the area, but the hippies as well! Before long, almost all of the hippies and weapons are destroyed and several explosions occur!

"Good shooting, Joe!" Cartman compliments, something he rarely does to anyone.

"Not to bad yourself, ki-OOH!" Suddenly, Moosewater, who even though is still partially stoned, is recovered enough to hold and fatally shoot Joe from behind! He then drops the weapon and picks up an acid/weed powered rocket-launcher and points it at Cartman as he (Cartman) turns around.

"You're outta here, Ikeman! Deals off!" Moosewater fires the missile at Cartman, but not before he shoots acid at him and causes the missile to explode in front of his face, rendering him unconscious!

"Joe! Joe, get up!" Cartman kneels down to Joe and tries to get him up. "We gotta go!"

"Pot's too strong! Shot in the lungs!" Joe slowly begins to die from "pot-bullet poisoning". "Never make it! Leave…Eric!"

Cartman watches as Joe dies before he himself gets shot at by more hippies. Seeing a nearby missile, he shoots it and creates an explosion so huge, it forces every living hippie back some feet. With nothing else to destroy, Cartman flips a switch on his suit and jumps over 100 feet in the air before he lands headfirst further into the Nevada desert.

"OH, GOD DAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman exclaims in pain as he throws all of his suit's metal off in anger.

An hour later, Cartman is wandering the desert aimlessly. Hot. Tired. Depressed. Just then, two military helicopters fly over Cartman's head before the obese child excitedly jumps up and down, "HEY! HEY! DOWN HERE! DOWN HERE!"

Moments later, the helicopters land directly in front of him before the co-pilots of both dash towards him.

"Yep. It's him all right!" Says one of the co-pilots. "No one else is I know is that fat."

"Hey! Don't call me fat, asshole!" Cartman angrily yells off-screen. Suddenly, his attention shifts to the other co-pilot and he (Cartman) asks, "How'd you guys know I was here?"

"A friend of yours kept faith and told us to work double time. Here he is!" The other co-pilot gets Leon Kennedy out of his copter and hands him to Cartman.

"Leon! I knew you'd come for me!" Cartman embraces his action figure in a hug.

* * *

><p>Behind "Cartman Industries" (which parodies "Stark Industries" in appearance), Cartman's jet plane makes a safe landing. Directly in front of the plane are Stan and an emotional Brittany. Both watch relieved as Cartman walks down the plane's ramp with a tall black man and his Leon Kennedy toy by his side.<p>

Cartman walks up to the reassured Brittany, "Hmm, eyes are red. Busy watching the Terrance and Phillip marathon?"

"Made me cry every time I thought about you. And my paycheck." Brittany jokes.

"Yeah, well…back to work!" Cartman snorts as he and Brittany get in the kart-limo's backseat and Stan in the driver's seat.

"Where to, dude?" Stan asks.

"Hospital please, Stan." Brittany replies.

"No." Cartman folds his arms.

"No? Eric, you have to see a doctor!" Brittany argues as Cartman stubbornly refuses, "No" means "no", not yes! I don't have to do shit! All right, I've been held captive by goddamn, cock-sucking hippies for three days! Here's what I _want_! You to call for a press conference in the morning in front of town! And the other-"

"I'm not calling her for you." Brittany interrupts in disgust.

"Not what I was thinking." Cartman continues. "I want a chocolate pound cake from KFC."

"Wait a minute! Press Conference? What's going on with-" Brittany asks concerned.

"Stan, drive. KFC. Now!" Cartman interrupts and ignores his personal assistant.

* * *

><p>That night, Kyle is sitting at his desk as he speaks with Stan on the phone.<p>

"So, wait! He _didn't_ get killed out there?" Kyle asks, as Stan replies, _"No! Surprised you even care!"_

"Why wouldn't I?" Kyle asks. "Cartman might be a retarded fat shithead, but I don't want him to die. I'm not a monster. Unlike him."

"Dude, I saw it in his eyes." Stan tells Kyle. "Those hippies really shook him up. I really don't think he's the villain of this one."

"Oh, come on!" Kyle rolls his eyes outraged. "They're called "hippies" for a reason, Stan! They're _against_ violence and terrorism! What sense does it make to promote peace if you're going to use violence? Think about it!"

Just then, Kyle hears a banging noise upstairs in his little brother Ike's room. He investigates and, to his surprise, sees several apparent spy agents break into his brother's room via the window! Next, twice as many armed agents swarm into the room via the hallway, surrounding a confused and frightened Kyle.

"What the hell's going on, here?" Kyle demands an explanation while retaining his frightened facial expression.

"What, it's not obvious?" A black man wearing an all-black suit and a black eye-patch on his left eye walks past his men in the hallway and up to Kyle.

"You! You're-" Kyle asks.

"Samuel L. Jackson. Director of the Stupid Hippie Intervention Enforcement and Lock-up Division!" The man introduces himself.

Kyle looks down to think before he utters, "Don't you think it'd be easier to say "S.H.I.E.L.D."?"

"Hey, I'm Samuel L. Jackson! I'll say whatever long line I want, you little mother fucking snake!" Jackson curses out Kyle. "So, you can just jump off of a mother fucking plane!"

"All right, calm down, dude!" Kyle steps back. "What do you want, anyway?"

"You're Kyle Broflovski, right?" Jackson asks. "Skeptic of the true potential of hippies and a friend of Eric Cartman? Which, by the way, is an oxymoron?"

"Uh…yeah!" Kyle answers, still in shock.

"Then, all we want is seven hours of your time." Jackson holds up a large white, chrome helmet as Kyle steps back in surprise.

**End of Part 1**

* * *

><p><strong>Trivia: The "Dairy Planet" (obviously named after the "Daily Planet") school newspaper got it's name mainly because I thought since South Park Elementary's mascot and teams are cow-based, why shouldn't the newspaper be?<strong>

**Though "Jenny** **Simons" is an established character, I decided to slightly revamp her for this fic so that she could resemble "Christine Everhart", a reporter that Tony sleeps with and continually stays on his ass throughout the movie. **

**"Mount Parkerstone", which first appeared in the third episode, "Volcano" (but was not named), is named after the freakin' geniuses who made South Park, "Trey Parker" and "Matt Stone".**

**The "Brittany Walsh" character is a direct mirror of "Pepper Potts", Tony Stark's personal assistant in the Iron man movies. **

**The documentary that depicts Cartman's life and history with combating hippies, founding his company, and meeting Zachariah Chain is a direct parody of the documentary of Tony Stark shown at the beginning of the first movie.**

"**Zachariah Chain" parodies the character "Obadiah Stane" from the first movie in both name and appearance.**

"**Joe Hensen" is a direct parody of the character "Ho Yinsen", who, also from the first movie, gave his life to allow Tony to escape from enemy captivity.**

"**Moosewater" mirrors the character "Raza", leader of the terrorist group that held Tony captive.**

**Samuel L. Jackson's depiction as Director of "S.H.I.E.L.D." is an obvious reference to the character he plays in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, "Nick Fury": Director of S.H.I.E.L.D (go to Wikipedia if you want to know the extended acronym of Marvel's S.H.I.E.L.D.). Also, his insulting and reprimanding of Kyle is a reference to his famous line in Snakes on a Plane. "I have had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!"**

* * *

><p><strong>Omega note: Sorry the first chapter was so long. I know for a fact it's mostly because of the South Park opening theme I emulated, but that's because I want you guys to feel as if you are actually "watching" South Park and not just, you know, reading it! Stick around for the exciting second part of IRONFAT! <strong>


	2. The Invincible Iron Ric

**Omega note: **Didn't update as soon as I wanted, but what're you gonna do, huh? That's life! About this fic, I made a continuity error (even though it's clear South Park themselves are known for harboring a lot of them, this one is important for a main character). I introduced Clyde Frog Jr. without realizing that Cartman was growing out of his affinity for stuffed animals in the episode **1%**. As a result, I am replacing him, both in this chapter and the last, with a large action figure version of "Leon Kennedy" from the Resident Evil video games (not the upcoming movie because the movies suck ass {to me}). This second part chronicles Cartman's transformation into "Iron Ric" and how this affects the relationships around him. Please, read, review, and enjoy part 2!

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><p>In front of the town of South Park, an apparent press conference is underway. Mayor McDaniels and her two aides are on the podium while the other citizens of South Park (most of which the children) are sitting down waiting for what's supposed to happen to get started. A reporter is currently addressing this event.<p>

"Tom, I'm standing in front of a press conference called by famous hippie-slayer, Eric Cartman, who has been missing for three days! Mr. Cartman has yet to appear, but the CFO of his company, Zachariah Chain is in attendance and is apparently waiting for—hold on a minute, Tom! Here he is right now!"

As the audience applauds, Cartman's kart-limo arrives on the scene and parks on the curb.

"Look at this!" Zachariah opens the backseat door before Cartman steps out and helps Brittany out of the car. Zachariah and Cartman man-hug before Stan steps out of the driver's seat with a KFC bag in his hand.

"Here, dude." Stan holds the bag up to Cartman.

"Thanks, Stan." Cartman takes out what's left of his chocolate pound cake from yesterday and begins to chow down.

"You and these cakes, man! Got one for me at least?" Zachariah jokes.

"Hmm, let me thin-no, sorry! This is my breakfast!" Cartman smirks.

Both boys walk up to the podium while Stan and Brittany remain in the back.

"Oh, there's Wendy! Gotta talk to her about the summerhouse!" Stan walks off to talk to his girlfriend.

"Ms. Brittany!" Kyle, now resembling Phil Coulson from the Iron man movies (minus the green hat he always wears), approaches Brittany. "Can I talk to you?"

"Hey, I know you! Aren't you one of Eric's friends?" Brittany recognizes Kyle.

"More than that, now." Kyle replies. "Kyle Broflovski! I'm an agent of the Stupid Hippie Incineration Enforcement and Lock-up Division!"

"God, that's a lot to say!" Brittany raises her eyebrows. "Who's in charge? Samuel L. Jackson?"

Kyle develops a surprised facial expression, but decides to get right to the point, "Listen, people are gonna be all over Cartman's ass about his getaway whether or not he answers questions and I've been told by my boss to keep that from happening!"

"How'd you guys find that out?"

"One of the co-pilots that found him was an inside agent, but that's not the point. You and I need to schedule a meeting to keep Fatass out of the line of fire when this whole thing is over. I'll talk to him myself later." Kyle hands Brittany a card.

"I will do that." Brittany agrees.

"Thank you! You've been very cooperative!" Kyle nods with a smile just as Stan walks back on the scene.

"Hey, Kyle! What happened to you last night? You bailed on me!" Stan notices Kyle's presence.

"Oh, you know! Spaced homework and all that crap." Kyle lies.

On the podium, Zachariah has just finished giving the opening speech and looks around until he finds Cartman sitting on the edge of the stage eating the last of his chocolate pound cake.

"Hey, I know most of the seats are for kids, but could everyone just squat down some? Please?" Cartman asks before all of the adults (and Zachariah, who sits next to Cartman on the edge of the stage) in attendance comply.

"Oh, good! I didn't miss it!" Token walks up next to Brittany.

"Token, what are you doing here?" Stan asks.

"Cartman called me up and told me stay back here." Token answers. "Said he needed to talk to me about something."

Cartman finishes the last of his pound cake. Everyone expects him to be emotional and subtle about what just happened to him, but to the contrary, "As of today, as result of finding out that the hippies got a hold of the weapons that I made to destroy them and keep you all safe, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturer known as Cartman Industries! And until I can decide what else I'm gonna do with this company, it's gonna freakin' stay that way!"

The reporters and civilians, including the children (that means Token, Brittany, Stan, and Kyle as well), are shocked and begin asking Cartman random questions. But rather than it be Cartman answering them, Zachariah does so instead while Stan and his (Cartman's) security team escort the overweight boy to his kart-limo.

"All right, everybody, if we could just settle down!" Zachariah starts. "What we need to understand is that Eric's back, but not in one piece due to what he's been through!"

* * *

><p>At his clubhouse mansion, as if nothing ever happened, Cartman sits relaxed by his pool until Brittany arrives with Token.<p>

"Ah, Token! Good to see you!" Cartman stands up and motions for Brittany to handle other business.

"You're in a pretty good mood after what just happened." Token states.

"Why wouldn't I be? I did it! Listen, Token. I broke off all ties with the military, but I still need a benefactor for what I have planned to end the hippies once and for all. I came to you because you're richer than even me and until I can find a lasting future for my company, I'd be taking a risk if I used any of my money to fund this attempt."

"I won't help you if this is only one-sided. Don't work like that."

"Oh, but of course! You'll get some steak out of this, too. When this attempt goes hot, I'll get started on a follow up just for you in the event my enemies become too much for me. But Token, let me ask you something? Be honest! Do you really wanna help me just to benefit yourself?"

"Huh?"

"I wouldn't have asked you of this if it weren't a matter of life and death. I'm doing this to make the world safer from potheads and guitar-fags. Make the country safer. South Park safer. For everyone. Including Lola."

Token's facial expression shifts to surprise upon hearing Lola's name.

"I've seen the way you look at her in class ever since you two got paired up for that egg-parent assignment. Other kids don't notice it, but I do. By helping me, you'd be able to keep her safe just as easily as I would with or without what I'm about to attempt. She might like guys into literature, but like all girls, she likes a guy who gives his time to help others. Think of it, Token. You aid me in this one task, a chain of events will set off and will ultimately lead you to act heroic in front of Lola's eyes. And before you know it, you'll get to learn firsthand if whether or not she's a screamer when she's screaming your name in your bedroom once a week."

Token looks at Cartman emotionless, but is obviously pondering on what the latter was telling him.

* * *

><p>Later on that day, Cartman is seen in his workshop constructing two silver high-tech jet boots, implying that Token has agreed to become a part of Cartman's objective. "Watching" Cartman work is his action figure Leon, who is "sitting" on the desk next to a rectangular display case with a circular "Anti-hippie device" (really a powdered donut) inside.<p>

"Trust me, Leon. If there was another way, would've found it." Cartman tells his action figure as he continues to work. He places a piece of glowing energy in each boots' heel before they internally glow blue.

Seconds later, Cartman places the boots on a chrome platform before, with the aid of high-tech arms, they are fused with mechanical legs, a torso, abdomen, arms, and finally, a helmet that would cover the wearer's entire head and face. Contrary to Cartman's own physique, the suit looks as if it could fit on a very muscular child and would potentially feel uncomfortable for someone like Cartman.

"Computer, scan the suit and run a simulation on its flight capabilities." Just then, complying to Cartman's command, the suit is scanned by a blue light before a projection-like screen appears in the air to show Cartman's suit successfully flying over tall buildings in cities and carefully low through the streets of South Park itself. The projection disappears with Cartman excitedly exclaiming, "Sweet! Now for the paint job! Red and gold, computer! Leon! Let's see what's on the tube!"

The platform the suit is on suddenly descends further into the floor for an apparent paint job just as Cartman grabs the remote to his flatscreen TV and turns it on to find a female reporter (celebrity news personality Giuliana Rancic) talking about him while standing in front of the grand opening of a kid's only nightclub called "TAFFY", which, oddly, looked like a celebrity red carpet event.

"_It is considered the most exciting event for the children of Cherry Creek, as all of the astute and/or wealthy children in and near the area are in attendance! All except one Eric Cartman!" _Giuliana reports. _"Surfaced rumors state that the 10-year-old boy is suffering from posttraumatic stress and crying to his mother at this very moment! Whatever the case may be, no one expects him to show up tonight and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing all the way in Colorado in the first place!"_

Cartman turns off the TV and turns to Leon, "You know me too well, Leon! Anyway, while I'm gone, I need you to draw up plans for Token's suit! He did, after all, help us come one step closer having the nuts of every goddamn hippie left in the nation! Later, dude!"

* * *

><p>In a go-kart version of a Mercedes Benz, Cartman drives all the way out to Cherry Creek to the grand opening of TAFFY, where many well-dressed kids no older than twelve are seen talking both inside and outside of the building. Already present is Zachariah, who is speaking with a reporter on Cartman Industries until he is interrupted by many squealing girls; that are obviously excited to see Cartman (once again in his black suit)! Noticing Zachariah, he walks up to him.<p>

"First time I crashed a party that wasn't mine or yours!" Cartman smirks.

"Well, look at you!" Zachariah smirks back. "Thought you would've laid low!"

"Huh! Thought you knew me better than Leon?" Cartman slaps Zachariah on the back before he enters the club, which, despite its miniature size on the outside, is just as large and identical as any adult nightclub. However, though, nothing appears to be happening just yet. Cartman immediately goes to the bar table and pulls out five dollars.

"Extra-Caffeinated Cherry Coke, my good sir!" Cartman hands the money to the bartender before the latter gives the former what he wants in a martini-glass. Before he takes a sip, he notices Kyle standing next to and looking right at him.

"Kyle?" Cartman raises his eyebrow surprised. "You heard about this place, too?"

"Part of my assignment, Cartman. I'm with the Stupid Hippie Incineration Enforcement and Lock-up Division." Kyle replies and stares at Cartman with a stern facial expression, expecting him to say something mean about what he just said. Cartman simply snickers, "That's a long-ass name, man!"

"Hmm, funny. Thought you would've been a dumb-ass and said something like "Jews can't be secret agents" or whatever." Kyle utters in slight shock.

"Close!" Cartman takes a sip of his soda. "I was actually thinking "Wow! This Jew had a change of heart after one day!" Lemme guess? They filled you in on everything about the hippies' disastrous activities the past few years using advanced tech?"

"Damn right, but I'm here to talk to you about your getaway from The Ten Drums. My superior told me to tell you we need to meet up and make a cover story for you and kill all these rumors about you crying to your mom like a little bitch."

As Cartman listens to every word said by Kyle, he looks forward and sees Brittany with her hair down and wearing a blue backless dress as she speaks with some other well-dressed kids (just like Pepper Potts). Aroused, he drowns out the rest of what Kyle is saying to him.

"Know something, Kyle? You're a real pal. I'm gonna go talk to my assistant and tell her how much of a pal you are to me." Cartman and Kyle shake hands before the former walks up to Brittany and the kids she talked to walk away. "Huh, I should pay you to be sexy at work."

"You! What-what're you doing here?" Brittany asks Cartman surprised.

"This reporter chick said astute and/or wealthy kids in the area were attending so I took that as a "Fuck laying low and go have fun!" Wanna dance?" Cartman asks immediately after music starts blaring in the club.

"Oh, no." Brittany replies frightened, feeling very uncomfortable with dancing with her "boss".

"Knew you wanted to." Cartman takes the obviously unwilling Brittany by the hand and walks her to the dance floor as Kyle looks on and drinks what's left of Cartman's soda.

On the dance floor, though Cartman is as nervous as Brittany is, the two hide this mutual feeling while doing a lengthy and rather sensual dance. Before too long, Cartman, his nervousness now displaying, breaks off the dance, "Wanna get some air?"

"Better. I want a drink. A sprite with lots of sugarcubes. Like…three sugarcubes." Brittany asks as Cartman walks off to grant her request at the bar table, where Kyle has already left.

"Me again. Two sprites. Mix one of them with cherry coke and the other with three sugarcubes." Cartman frantically asks, not noticing Jenny (dressed up like Christine Everhart in a similar scene from Iron man) walking up to him. Once Cartman receives both of the drinks, he immediately grabs and sips the one with cherry coke.

"Wow, Eric Cartman. Weird seeing you here." Jenny utters sarcastically, apparently a little icy about something.

"Oh, Jen." Cartman faces Jenny.

"You've got some balls showing your face around here." Jenny folds her arms.

"What I can't have a good time after being caught by the enemy for a few days?" Cartman sneers.

"Not what I was saying. I'm talking about your company's dip in the disgust pool lately!" Jenny's tone escalates to animosity.

"I'll get started on fixing everything when I deal with other business." Cartman shrugs her off with an annoyed tone in his voice.

"Again, not what I was saying. Should've known you didn't change even if you did almost get killed!" Jenny snarls.

"Hey! Go be a bitch somewhere else!" Cartman explodes, prompting Jenny to slap his drink out of his hand and reply, "Look at these pictures!"

Jenny hands Cartman five pictures depicting hippies terrorizing a large group of young people in the Nevada desert. Looking closer, he notices that despite destroying his weapons earlier, the hippies now have new, identical ones. Cartman looks through each of them in horror and shock and asks, "When?"

"After the press conference." Jenny answers.

"Clearly I didn't approve of this if I said that I'm shutting down the company." Cartman realizes.

"You trying to convince me or you?" Jenny argues.

"Like I give seven shits about what you think." Cartman retorts. "I believe I said "go be a bitch somewhere else", Jen. Now, do it!"

Cartman walks away from Jenny, only to have her angrily follow him for reasons unknown.

Just outside of the nightclub, Cartman confronts Zachariah about the company's apparent double-dealing.

"Did you know about this?" Cartman shows Zachariah the pictures given to him by Jenny, who is standing behind them both.

"Well…yeah, but we've got people looking into it." Zachariah answers.

"Zach, the only people permitted to release the weapons I make other than me are Leon and you!" Cartman reminds.

"Eric, you can't expect to be this naïve and not take a hit from the consequences-" Zachariah explains.

"I told you I shut down the company because I don't want equal deaths on both sides!" Cartman interrupts. "Tell me truth. Do you know who's doing this?"

Zachariah simply smirks and motions for he and Cartman to face the people for a picture. He whispers to Cartman, _"Eric, I think you forgot the Board has a hand in all this, too. I told them that if I continue shipping the weapons, with or without you, they'd think about keeping you on as CEO. It was the best I could do to get them off your ass. For a little bit anyway!" _

Zachariah slaps Cartman's back before he walks into the nightclub, leaving Cartman to glare at him angrily. Not just because he went against what he said, but also because he believes he is hiding something. He retains his angry facial expression to the point where he doesn't even notice Jenny walking back into the nightclub as well.

* * *

><p>In the basement of his clubhouse mansion the following morning, Cartman, now wearing both of the red power gauntlets of his suit, is preparing to fire at four live-action pictures of real hippies poorly taped to four white mannequins. Simultaneously, Leon is "watching" the same reporter from earlier on speak of another hippie-related incident in the Nevada Desert.<p>

"_Yes indeed, Tom! It appears as though the body count started by the hippies is well passed 22 courtesy of a newfound power!" _The reporter continues. _"It would appear as if most of the people they caught were travelers on their way to Sin City, but were fatefully ensnared by the group of LSD-drinking dicks and forced to either join their militia or take a weed-fueled blow to the back of the head! There appears to be no hope for these innocent civilians who've been desperately asking for help for more than a day."_

Hearing every word and becoming increasingly enraged, Cartman fires one powerful energy blast at one of the middle mannequins and utterly destroys it!

"Whoa. Heh. Heh." Cartman chuckles, impressed with his work. Prompting this, he consecutively fires at the other three mannequins and utterly destroys them as well. As dramatic music begins to play in the background, Cartman makes his way over to the platform his suit is under before various mechanical arms begin to place parts of the suit on the boy.

"Ow! Hey! Ow! Son of a bitch!" He exclaims as the suit parts are forced roughly on him due to his fat physique! "OW! OH, GOD DAMMIT!" The helmet-head painfully snaps on Cartman's own head, completing the lengthy suit-up montage! Moments later, the suited Cartman flies through the sky, intent on exterminating the hippies in the Nevada desert!

* * *

><p>In said place, a weed-fueled version of Cartman's Fineso strikes the main road and forces three more civilian vehicles off! Immediately after, four hippies, armed with acid-bullet machine guns, dash towards one of the vehicles!<p>

"Out of the car, Ikemen! Heh! Heh!" One of the hippies demand menacingly and obviously stoned.

The civilians instantly jump out of the car and just as quickly are dragged off into the desert by the hippies! They are thrown into the other dozens of civilians, who are either backing away or cringing their family members tightly in fear!

"You evil monsters!" A woman yells hysterically at Moosewater, who now has a scar on the right side of his face as a result of his confrontation with Cartman.

"Leave our children alone, you bastards!" a man cringed his son frightened.

"Your kids are going in a training camp to be more like us, man!" Moosewater drinks some acid. "That way, whether you're dead or not, he'll have a future!"

"Moosewater, dude! Caught this meat-eating bastard trying to manhandle Jacob!" Two stoned hippies drag a bruised man over to Moosewater, who simply sneers, "Waste him!"

"Daddy, no!" a little boy exclaims in concern for his father!

"Say "good night", Ikeman!" One of the stoned hippies throws the man to the ground and points his gun at him, preparing to pull the trigger!

"DADDY!" The little boy screams again, but immediately afterwards, his attention goes to the sky when he hears an approaching, rumbling noise. In a fashion identical to Tony's arrival in his first suit, Cartman lands feet first in the desert, ready to slaughter the hippies that are putting everyone in harm's way!

One hippie foolishly shoots at Cartman with his pot-fueled machine gun until the latter kicks him in the groin and punches him over a plateau! Consecutively, three groups of oncoming hippies (excluding Moosewater) fire at Cartman, who shakes his head in annoyance. Cartman creates a ball of energy in his left hand and tosses it like a bowling ball at one of the groups before they are sent flying as a result of the impact. Cartman repeats the feat a second time with another oncoming group, but uses his right hand this time. He once again consummates this attack to fend off the last group, but utilizes both of his hands!

"Had enough, assholes?" Cartman threateningly asks, his voice distorted so that no one could have a clue who he really is (he hopes).

"Hey, Iron Ikeman!" A hippie forces Cartman to turn around to see that the former and five other hippies holding a family of six at gunpoint, forcing Cartman, who has planned to fire at them again, to lower his hands.

As the hippies laugh triumphantly, Cartman discreetly uses his suit to target each of the hippies and carefully avoid the civilians before he, in complete defiance of natural law, uses both hands to fire one big energy blast that breaks off into six smaller blasts of energy and silences the giggling stoners with impacts to the face!

"Think nothing of what happened here." Cartman tells the relieved captives with a heroic tone before he takes to the skies.

"Who is that, daddy?" The screaming boy and his mother and sister run up to the man that was nearly killed.

"To tell you the truth, son, not sure! Though, to me, he kind of looks like a…"Ric"!"

"Rick?" The woman repeats.

"No, honey, "Ric"! No K!" The man corrects.

"That's ridiculous. He's wearing a suit! how can he look like anythi-"

"Don't question me! I'm the man of this family, bitch!" The man barks at his wife.

From the sky, Cartman spots two Fineso missiles. He swoops in, grabs them both, heads back to the sky, and after watching another large group of hippies dash out of a rocky cave, tosses both of the missiles in the middle of the area and destroys them with one more energy blast. The explosion creates a shockwave powerful enough to knock the hippies unconscious and send them all flying in all directions! Cartman abandons the scene, but not before Moosewater, who was hiding the entire time, takes a picture of him and the screen goes dark.

* * *

><p>Later on that day, in his own clubhouse-mansion, Zachariah is angrily watching the news concerning the incident in the Nevada desert, knowing very well that it was Cartman that had a hand in this.<p>

"_Yes indeed, Tom but the rescue itself isn't the story, per se!" _The reporter continues. _"The civilians stated that they were rescued by a diminutive knight in high-tech shining armor! One civilian in particular actually had a name for this here knight."_

The screaming boy and his sister are waving at the camera as their father (who came up with Cartman's name) speak into the reporter's camera, _"As funny as it sounds, he looked a lot like a "Ric" to me! And that's with no "K"!"_

_"Sweetheart, it just doesn't make sense!"_ The woman tells her husband yet again. _"You don't really know what he looks like! How can-"_

_"You dare correct me on national television, bitch?"_ The man growls at his wife, humiliating his two children. _"That tears it! Tonight, you'll get…rough anal punishment!"_

_"No, please! Not that!"_ The man throws his wife over his shoulder and walks away from the reporter's camera as his mortified children follow.

Zachariah's cell rings and he answers it without realizing who it is, "Mom, I told you I ate already!"

"_Got something for you to look at…mama's boy!" _Moosewater smirks on the other end.

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, Zachariah and his just-as-young young security guards meet up with Moosewater and what remains of his militia on the outskirts of Denver. Zachariah notices the scar on Moosewater's face.<p>

"Courtesy of fat little Ikeman, Eric Cartman." Moosewater explains.

"If you wasted him instead of trying to make a slave out of him, you'd still be pretty." Zachariah reprimands with a smile.

"I wanted to see if he wasn't a poser like the government guys."

"What'd you bring me out here for?"

Moosewater shows Zachariah the picture of the suited-up Cartman, much to the latter's interest.

"Makes me wonder how he could fit in there with his big fat ass." Zachariah takes the photograph. "More importantly, how could he make it and use it in a short while?"

"Guys like Cartman have unlimited resources." Moosewater smokes some more weed. "Man, if I had like 20 of these freakin' things, the government will start workin' for me. Tell you what kiddo! Since I gave you the idea of a lifetime, we can rework our business relationship. You make however many suits you want and take back your corporation so long as you don't hurt a hair on the environment…and you give me 10% of whatever you make so I can polish off what's left of the man!"

"That deal sounds kind of one-sided." Zachariah replies.

"No, it's pretty fair to me." Moosewater throws his cigarette to the side. "You paid us crap to get rid of the Prince of Ikemen."

"Hmm…good thing you're not too high to hear this!" Zachariah suddenly takes out a palm-sized device, which emits extremely loud death metal music that paralyzed all of the hippies in the area while Zachariah himself and his guards remain unharmed. Blood pours out of the hippies' ears, eyes, and noses, much to their pain.

"One thing I have to say about Eric, he really knows what he's doing. Always." Zachariah looks at the picture of the suited-up Cartman one more time before he orders his guards, "Blow these cocksuckers to Hell and let's go."

As Zachariah steps back into his kart-limo, his guards splash water on the hippies and shoot at them with electric guns! In his limo, Zachariah speaks into his phone, "Yeah, we were both right. It was him, but more than one can play this game. Send it all over so I can start a prototype ASAP. But I might need three more engineers and a buttload of chocolate bars for energy. And can one of the engineers be a Hispanic girl? 'Cause Hispanic girls have hooters and asses that can motivate faster!"

* * *

><p>In his workshopbasement, not knowing that a shocked Brittany is watching him as she walks down the stairs to enter the workshop, the mechanical arms are removing Cartman's armor piece by piece as he walks over to his desk. Brittany is obviously surprised at the fact that her own "boss" is the diminutive iron knight everyone's been talking about.

"Hurry up with the maximum-level recharge, computer!" Cartman orders. "Gotta get ready for a second trip! Leon, did you record the "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire Uncut version" like I asked?"

"Second trip?" Brittany reiterates with a concerned tone, letting Cartman know that she knows (also because he sees the last of his suit's parts disappearing into the floor).

"Well, at least you saw me taking off a suit without getting something on like I did with Jenny and all those other chicks!" Cartman brushes off nonchalantly.

"Second trip?" Brittany repeats with a stern tone.

"Glad you're here, Britt. Need you to run an errand." Cartman again dodges Brittany's question and hands her a flash drive. "Go to my office computer and download all knowledge about the latest shipments of my weapons down to the nearest sources. Zach's not telling me the truth about whose been dealing under the table, so I gotta take matters into my own hands."

"And what does that mean? And _please_ answer me this time!" Brittany demands.

"I'm gonna take out all my weapons, shipped or being shipped, and do the same to the source. Then, I'm gonna find the stupid assholes who went against what I said and rip their balls off! From there…I'll think about it when I get there."

"Eric, as much as I respect and care about you, I won't help you if you're gonna go out there and play everyone's iron beacon of hope or whatever!"

"For about a year, you stood by my side and watched me reap the benefits of destruction. And now when I decide to truly help the people I put in harm's way, you're gonna rebel against me?"

"You're going to kill yourself, Eric! I can't be a part of it!"

"You act like I asked for this life. You have no idea how many close calls I've encountered with not just hippies, but death itself. I've always been a dick, Brittany. And with every close call out there that I encountered because of it, I wonder…what should I do? This time…I know. And the other thing I know…is that what I'm doing…is right."

Brittany, nearly tearfully, sighs, "You're all I have, you know. I mean, there is my sister, but she's a total whore."

"So I heard."

* * *

><p>In Cartman's office later on that day, Brittany plugs in her "boss'" flash drive in his laptop and begins downloading shipment files with her abnormally quick typing skills. In the process, she finds an apparent private file with Zachariah's name on it and remembers Cartman saying something about him (Zachariah) not telling him (Cartman) the truth about whose been dealing under the table. She clicks on the file and sees two more envelopes as she utters, "Project Iron-Chain? Operation CEO? What are you up to, Zachariah?"<p>

She clicks on the "Project Iron-Chain" envelop and sees the blueprints of his own suit, one much larger than Cartman's. She exits the envelop and clicks on the Operation CEO envelop and gasps in horror with what she sees. She sees six pictures depicting the Ten Drums attacking Cartman's Humvee some days ago, Cartman himself trying escape on foot, a weed-powered missile blowing up in his face and sending him flying over to a rock, and finally, him being carried off by the hippies! She completes the download, rips out the flash drive, and frantically power-walks towards the doors, intent on telling Cartman about Zachariah's treachery. But to her surprise,

"Oh, uh, Zachariah!" Brittany bumps into him as she tries to walk out.

"Brittany? What are you doing here?" Zachariah asks surprised.

"Oh, just downloading some music for Eric!" She lies nervously. "His computer got screwed up from all the projects he's doing so now he's got me going out of my way to…find him some music!"

"Hope Eric doesn't take advantage of you!" Zachariah smiles. "He's lucky to have you in his clubhouse at all!"

"Ain't that the truth? Heh! Heh! Well, better get back to him before he cuts my money down…again! See ya!" Brittany power-walks passed Zachariah, who replies, "Take care!"

With Brittany out of his sight, Zachariah dashes over to the laptop, noticing the pattern in Brittany's strange behavior. Much to his frustration and anger, he realizes that Brittany has downloaded both of the files incriminating his involvement in Cartman's misfortunes. He sprints out of the office to see if it's not too late to stop her, but sees that she has already reached the security-infested downstairs lobby, where Kyle is seen sitting on a bench frowning at Brittany.

"Brittany, I expected the fatass to forget about our meeting, but not you!" Kyle sternly reminds her. "If you needed to reschedule, all you had to do was-"

"No rescheduling! Let's have our meeting, now!" Brittany anxiously tells the Jewish child.

"_Right_ now?" Kyle asks surprised.

"Yep! Walk with me!" Brittany grabs Kyle's right hand and continues as they walk, "You and I are going to have the juiciest meeting you've ever had!"

* * *

><p>In the basement of Cartman Industries, Zachariah barges in as his three engineers (one of them a pretty Hispanic girl around the same age as most children in South Park) continue to work on his suit, which heavily mirrors the blueprints they are based on. As the Hispanic girl walks by Zachariah, the latter stares at her rear-end before his attention goes to his nerdy head engineer.<p>

"Well, Mr. Chain, it was more challenging than anything I've ever made, but you made it easier! Urp!" The nerdy engineer burps.

"Just didn't want any hiccups!" Zachariah replies.

"Now, because this is just the prototype, it has limits. Urp!" The nerdy engineer explains. "But in just several hours, you'll have access to weapons that not even Eric Cartman would dream of. Urp!"

"That's because he doesn't have to dream, Willy! He never did, and never will." Zachariah remarks, a slight of menace in his tone.

"But, we can't begin mass production on this suit until you tell us if whether or not you've had a successful trial! Urp!" Willy further explains. "Anything you can do for hours until then? Urp!"

"Yeah! Loose-end tie-ups!" Zachariah sneers sinisterly away from Willy.

* * *

><p>In his clubhouse-mansion's living room, Cartman sits on his couch and is about to turn on his TV until his cell phone on the couch rings. He develops a suspicious facial expression when he realizes it's Brittany, who should've been back with his flash drive some time ago. He answers it as Brittany starts, <em>"Eric?" <em>

But before he could respond, Zachariah, wearing protective high-tech earpieces, paralyzes him from behind with a palm-sized sound device identical to the one he used on the murdered Moosewater, but plays groove music (obviously a hippie weapon) instead of death metal! And as with the hippies, blood pours out of Cartman's eyes, nose, and ears! Zachariah hangs up Cartman's phone after Brittany calls the obese child's name twice and he slowly rested his (Cartman's) head on the back of his couch.

"Easy. Easy." Zachariah removes his earpieces and shows Cartman the device he used on him. "You remember this don't you? Sucks ass that the government didn't approve of it though. Would've thought that with the hippies getting more vicious they'd have a change of heart. I gotta say, Eric! When I paid to have you wasted, I worried about what that would lead to. But, I think we both know that fate had one more thing to get out of you!" Zachariah shows Cartman the picture Moosewater took of him.

Cartman remains paralyzed externally, but internally he is angry, vengeful, and disgusted with the fact that he's been backstabbed by one of the people he considered a friend.

"This, Eric, is your ninth symphony." Zachariah gloats. "With a weapon like this, we'd do more than blow the balls off of hippies. By we, I mean "me" when I get back what you bought from me. If you weren't stiff right now, I'd show you my prototype. It's pretty badass. Now here! A fudge gift baked with extra strong stonage!"

Zachariah forces a pot-brownie down Cartman's throat, causing him to grunt and gag, but alas, not to move!

"Well, I better get lost! Not just 'cause I put a bomb in the oven, but also 'cause I gotta deal with Brittany. Such a waste of a perfectly good ass." Zachariah's walks out of Cartman's house, leaving Cartman himself to die!

* * *

><p>In his expensive silver kart-Porsche, Token is driving on the street and past numerous cars as he speaks with Brittany on his phone, "Say what? He paid to have Eric killed? Slow down, Brittany! What is it you want me to do?"<p>

* * *

><p>In the Cartman Industries basement, Brittany is leading Kyle and four other agents, all adults, to the mysterious "Project Iron-Chain" created by the traitorous Zachariah. She continues on the phone concerned, "He didn't pick up when I called and I know Zachariah has something to do with that. Can you please just stop by the clubhouse and see if he's alright? Thank you, Token. This way, guys!"<p>

* * *

><p>Token makes an "illegal" U-turn on the street and headed in the direction of Cartman's clubhouse-mansion.<p>

* * *

><p>Though no longer paralyzed, Cartman, now in pain, sweating, and "dying" from a product made by his enemies, struggles to walk down the stairs leading to his basement-workshop and stumbles down them as a result! He then spots the only thing that can possibly save his life; his "Anti-hippie device" (powdered donut), which remains next to Leon on the desk. Cartman crawls as fast as he can to the desk and uses a stool as leverage to get his donut, but unfortunately, he still can't reach the display case and the pain becomes so great, that he falls off of the stool and against the desk. He is ready to just accept the fact that this is one close call he isn't going to have until, suddenly, his Leon action figure and the display case donut fell into his lap! Surprised, he looks at Leon as if he saved his life.<p>

"I owe you big time this time, pal." Cartman mutters in agony before he shatters the display case and reaches for his donut.

* * *

><p>In a private room in the company basement, in a lengthy scene, Zachariah is removing the cables from his operational suit's back, anxious to begin its "first trial". He marvels at it in arrogance.<p>

* * *

><p>At the clubhouse-mansion, Token is looking around the living room for Cartman, not realizing that there is a bomb somewhere in the mansion that could detonate at any point in time.<p>

"Eric! Eric! Eric!" Token walks down the workshop basement stairs and stops in horror when he sees Cartman, alive but still in bad shape, lying on the floor. "Eric! Eric, what happened?"

Token grabs Cartman, now with white powder around his mouth, who in turn grabs Token and asks him worried, "Where's Brittany?"

"She's with Kyle and some other agents that aren't Jewish. They're about to arrest Zachariah." Token explains. "Did you just eat a powdered donut?"

"Oh, weak! That's not gonna be enough to stop him!" Cartman realizes, ignoring Token's question.

"We better get going then!" Token helps Cartman up.

"Not yet!" Cartman stops Token from going up the stairs. "There's a bomb up-!"

Right when Cartman says it, his entire clubhouse-mansion is destroyed in a catastrophic, fiery explosion with his basement being the only thing surviving!

"Wow! Talk about reverse eviction!" Token looks around in shock.

"I'll buy another house later! Follow me, Token!" Cartman and Token, despite the traumatic explosion on the surface, continue on like nothing ever happened!

* * *

><p>In the company's basement, "That's it! Right there!" Brittany points to a yellow door that read, "Project Iron-Chain" She is about to try and pick the lock with a bobby-pin, but Kyle, who receives a small, marble-like device from one of the other agents, stops her and warns, "Might wanna back away some."<p>

She does just that as Kyle places the device on the door's lock before it blows it to smithereens just as Zachariah steps into his suit.

* * *

><p>Speaking of suits, Cartman is getting back into his own while Token exclaims impressed, "That's pretty fucking cool! And I could've bought something like that a long time ago?"<p>

"Had to think of it first! Now, let's get going!" Cartman walks over to the middle of the basement, "Oh and by the way, Token…that one's yours!" and flies off into the sky to stop Zachariah and save Brittany, leaving Token in the wreckage.

"Damn!" Token exclaims before his attention went to another suit that resembles a muscular child, but this one is silver. "Next time, baby!" Token gets into his kart and drives off to assist Cartman.

* * *

><p>In the "Project Iron-Chain" room, Zachariah and his suit have already disappeared, leaving only a dark, empty room behind. Brittany, so that they could protect her, remains behind Kyle and his agents as they investigate the room, pointing their guns out to prepare for the worst. Kyle jumps over a rail as one of his agents follow him, intent on covering him should they run into chaos.<p>

"You said he was building a suit?" Kyle yells to Brittany.

"Yeah, but, if it's as big as the blueprints said it was going to be, then it should be here!" Brittany explains. "I mean, something that huge can't just…"

Brittany suddenly ceases talking when she hears a slight whirring noise behind her. She turns around and sees, to her horror, the suited-up Zachariah step out of the shadows and reach for her in a fashion similar to a psychotic robot! She screams and makes a run for the door, attracting the attention of Kyle and his agents.

"Holy shit! Waste him! Waste him!" Kyle and his agents fire at Zachariah, but their bullets bounce off. Three of Kyle's agents are killed when Zachariah slams his arm down while the other one is knocked against the wall. Kyle manages to dodge the next slam until Zachariah's attention goes to Brittany, who continues running even when he unsuccessfully shoots at her with energy guns!

Brittany successfully makes it to the surface just outside of the company, where she is contacted by Cartman via cell phone, "Eric? Are you okay?"

"_I'll live! Listen, you got to get out of the building right now!" _

"You know about Zachariah?"

"_Yeah, that's why you gotta bail! I'm on my way there to deal with him!" _

"He attacked Kyle and his men! I don't know if they're-"

Brittany is interrupted when Zachariah suddenly bursts through the ground and menacingly glares at Brittany, still intent on killing her! He points his energy machine gun at her, "As Eric used to say…"Burn in hell, ginger!"

"HEY, BALDY!" Cartman flies down and, courtesy of his suit, manages to deflect all of Zachariah's bullets while tackling him, strangely, in the air, forcing them both to fly over all of the buildings in the area; leaving Brittany behind.

"Brittany!" Token suddenly arrives in his kart-Porsche with Stan riding shotgun!

"Token!" Brittany dashes over to the two boys relieved.

"You all right?" Stan asks.

"Guys, Eric-"

"Is gonna need help whether he knows it or not!" Kyle, dirty but not injured, joins the other kids along with the one agent that wasn't killed, but injured. "We gotta follow him!"

"Token's Porsche isn't big enough! Let's get on that truck over there!" Stan points to a large, trailer-less truck before all of the kids jump in and the adult agent hot-wires the truck and drives off to assist Cartman.

* * *

><p>The two suited kids finally land in the middle of the street, where they fight and in the process, create a large pile-up! Cartman lands a blow to Zachariah's left cheek before the latter tackles the former to the ground and begins to land blows to his (Cartman's) arms, which are protecting his face from major impacts. Cartman gets out from under Zachariah and double-punches him in the right cheek. Zachariah attempts to respond with a sucker-punch, but Cartman ducks and strikes him in the back!<p>

"THAT WAS FOR MY CLUBHOUSE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Cartman ducks Zachariah's next swing and punches him down before he knee-kicks him in the face! "AND THAT WAS FOR USING THAT REDHEAD-BASHING SLUR AGAINST BRITTANY BY CALLING HER A GINGER!"

Zachariah swings again, but Cartman grabs his arm and flips him over his shoulder while also yelling, "GIVE IT UP! YOUR PROTOTYPE MIGHT BE BIG ON WEAPONS, BUT YOU'RE TOO BIG AND SLOW TO CATCH UP WITH ME IN A FIGHT, YOU HIPPIE-LOVING DICK!"

"You'd know a lot about being big wouldn't you, you fat pile of shit?" Zachariah picks up a car with little effort!

"Hey! Don't call me "fat", you son of a bit-AGH!" Cartman is knocked across the street and against a city bus, forcing it to tip over and the people inside to bust out of the windows and run out screaming! "Oh, god dammit!"

Stan and the others arrive in time to see Zachariah pick Cartman up by the neck and roar, "YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU BOUGHT MY COMPANY AND EXCELLED AT EVERYTHING I EVER DID! THEN YOU HAD THE NERVE TO DEMOTE ME TO CFO INSTEAD OF GOING WITH A FIFTY-FIFTY DEAL! THAT COMPANY BELONGS TO ME! I WILL MAKE WEAPONS AGAIN! AND NO ONE'S GONNA GET IN MY WAY! NOT SOME SECRET AGENTS! NOT THE HIPPIES! AND SURE AS HELL, NOT YOU!"

Zachariah choke-slams Cartman into the bus and creates a massive ball of energy (similar to his Cartman's own) and utterly destroys the bus in a massive explosion, but only succeeded in forcing Cartman out of the bus to float in the air!

"OH, YOU WANNA PLAY IN THE AIR, HUH? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK!" Zachariah flies up into the sky after Cartman, who looks in the direction of and directly at Mount Parkerstone and flies towards it with Zachariah in pursuit!

"Looks like they're headed for the volcano!" Kyle points out. "We gotta get to a faster vehicle if we wanna catch up with them!"

"There! 70's Charger!" Token points at a nearby vehicle.

The group jumps out of the truck and forces the driver out of the car before they all get in and ride off at maximum speed towards Mount Parkerstone!

* * *

><p>In the night sky, Zachariah continues to chase Cartman to the volcano. Once the boys are over the volcano, Cartman flies just inside while Zachariah stays outside and decides to fire another massive ball of energy at the back-turned Cartman. But to the bald-headed child's surprise, Cartman sees this and kicks the energy back over to Zachariah like a soccer ball! Thinking quickly though, Zachariah destroys the ball of energy with a clap!<p>

"Is that all you—AGGH!" Zachariah is hit in the face by Cartman's own energy ball and accidentally flies right past Cartman and into the volcano before he begins to fall towards the lava!

"SEE YA, FAG!" Cartman flies out of the volcano and lands safely on the ground. He contacts Brittany, "Britt!"

* * *

><p>Just a mile away from the volcano, Brittany replies back worried, "Eric! I'm almost there! We're almost there! What's happening?"<p>

* * *

><p>"Let's just say Zach's never been as tough as he-"<p>

"NICE TRY, FAT-TITS!" To Cartman's surprise, Zachariah lands right behind him, showing that he has escaped just before hitting the lava. Zachariah swings at Cartman, but he ducks to avoid this.

"Hey! I swear if you call me "fat" one more time, I'll-" Cartman is punched down the hill by Zachariah, but nevertheless gets right back up to deliver a powerful blow to his right cheek!

Subsequently, Zachariah attempts to kill Cartman by squeezing the life out of him, but only succeeds in limiting his use of his energy blasts, according to his computer.

It looks as if Cartman is finished, but just then, he charges what's left of his energy blasts into both of his hands and strikes his enemy on both sides of his head, causing a major flash within the head of his suit and forcing him to release Cartman!

Zachariah groans, "Very clever, Eric." Before he looks around and sees that Cartman has escaped from his sight. As he continues to look around, Cartman, his suit now beat up and damaged, hides behind a tall rock just a mile away from Zachariah. Suddenly, when a hand touches Cartman's shoulder, he whips around and grabs the person's neck!

"Piss off, butthole!" Cartman dismisses the person, only realizing who it is seconds after he turns his head. It is Kyle and the others.

"Chill, fat boy! It's us! We're here to help!" Kyle tells Cartman choked before the latter swiftly removes his arm. Kyle shows Cartman two handfuls of marvel-like mini-bombs, just like the one he used earlier.

"Damn, dude! What did he do to you?" Stan notices the damage Cartman has been taking.

"Nothing compared to what's gonna happen to him!" Cartman explains, "I can't take 'im out with my suit! That's why I went to that volcano! It's the only thing around that can murder his suit! But he isn't gonna fall for my bullcrap a second time!"

"What's the plan?" Token asks.

"These mini-bombs that Kyle has look like they're strong enough to destroy three three-story houses each if increased to their full potential!" Cartman explains. "If you guys can put them all around the volcano while I stall Zach and lure him above it again, then in just a minute, they'll all create an explosion big enough to force an eruption! And if lava won't toast that bastard, nothing will!"

"Do you know how fucking retarded you sound?" Kyle stares at Cartman in disbelief. "You can't simulate a volcanic eruption by blowing shit up, Cartman! Magma's not even just in the volcano! It's a part of the Earth's crust! You gotta shake the whole area to make that thing blow, not just the mountain! Use your head!"

"I am!" Cartman argues back. "But if you've got a better idea, then I'm more than willing to give you my suit!"

"C'mon, Kyle! I don't see us with much of a choice!" Brittany reasons.

"Yeah, dude! Lives are already at stake! We can't waste anymore time!" Stan adds.

"All right, fine! But I'm telling you this is a waste of time!" Kyle holds out his hands. "All of you take at least four! That thing is massive!"

"I'm gonna go get his attention!" Cartman dispatches from the group.

"ERIC, YOU LITTLE PUSSY! COME OUT AND TAKE YOUR-" Zachariah is interrupted when Cartman suddenly flies behind his back and kicks him in the back of the head while in mid-air!

"YOU'RE THE FUCKING PUSSY, ZACH! A PUSSY THAT SUCKS BALLS!" Cartman taunts before he flies above the volcano with the angry Zachariah right behind him!

While the two suited boys continue to fight, Kyle, Stan, Brittany, Token, and Kyle's assisting agent run all around the volcano and place their miniature explosives everywhere there's room at the base. They regroup to watch the ongoing fight between Cartman and Zachariah just above the volcano! After one more punch, Cartman notices everyone just standing a mile away looking at him, essentially telling him that they did what he asked.

"GET OUT OF HERE, GUYS!" Cartman yells to them, failing to see Zachariah fly towards him and defend against a punch that sends him crashing further into the volcano. He manages, however, to keep himself from falling further in by punching a hole through the rocky surface!

* * *

><p>"ERIC!" Brittany screams in concern, Stan and Token holding her back so she won't get caught in the soon-to-occur explosions.<p>

* * *

><p>"YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A THING, ERIC!" Zachariah charges another huge ball of energy in his hands, intent on hitting Cartman with it and forcing him down into the lava! "I'LL STILL CLEANSE THE NATION AND MAYBE EVEN THE WORLD OF HIPPIES EVEN WHILE YOU'RE GONE! JUST NOT BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS, A CERTAIN <em>GINGER<em>, AND LEON! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT…FATSO?"

Cartman turns his head slightly to face Zachariah (within his suit, we can see a sneer on his face), "BURN IN HELL, ASSHOLE!"

Just then, the explosives all around the volcano go off and create a shockwave so huge that, contradicting Kyle's theory, causes the lava to rise quickly towards both Cartman and Zachariah!

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Zachariah, still holding his ball of energy, turns around to see this phenomenon!

"By the way," Zachariah turns back around to face Cartman, now floating in front of him, who continues, "I'm not fat…I'm charmingly plump!"

Cartman grabs Zachariah's energy arm and forces him to hit himself in the face with it, blinding him! Cartman then escapes the path of the lava by flying out of the volcano, leaving Zachariah to die! "AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zachariah is caught in the explosive eruption of Mount Parkerstone and is killed immediately, suit and everything!

Cartman manages to fly away from the volcano, but his boots are fried by a magma-ball, forcing him to flip backwards and land violently without his mask on top of a large rock further down from Stan and company! Lava pours into the pre-made ditch as Kyle watches the volcano in disbelief.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Kyle utters, finding it absolutely dumbfounding that Cartman's improbable plan actually bore fruit.

Everyone's attention then goes to the apparently unconscious Cartman, who continues lying on the rock.

"ERIC!" Brittany's voice echoes through Cartman's head, but he remains unconscious until the screen goes black.

* * *

><p>The next morning at a press conference, Token is telling the reporters little about the events last night with Stan backing him up while Cartman sits in a nearby tent reading a newspaper about his armored alter-ego and Brittany tends to his battle wounds.<p>

"Iron Ric?" I like that! Got a little bit of my name in there and it makes way more since than "Iron Fat"!" Cartman snickers. "I mean, can you believe that, Britt? Me? Fat?"

Kyle walks into the tent with a stack of speech cards, "Here's your alibi. You were in Denver with me, Stan, and Token T.p-ing houses. Paid off seven guys to act as witnesses."

"What about Zach?" Cartman asks.

"He was in Hawaii exploring a dormant volcano after his mom told him not to." Kyle answers.

"And the whole "Iron Ric" thing?" Cartman continues asking.

"Hippie-execution prototype used by one of your bodyguards." Kyle explains once again.

"Huh, very nice, Kyle!" Cartman shakes his head, impressed with Kyle's ability to be elaborately deceitful.

"Learned from the best!" Kyle shakes his head.

"From the Stupid Hippie Incin-" Brittany started.

"Call us, "S.H.I.E.L.D". Can't all be Samuel L. Jackson." Kyle interrupts. "And I was talking about fat boy here!"

"Oh, I'm the best? Thanks a lot—HEY! STOP CALLING ME FAT, AGENT JEW TRASH!"

* * *

><p>Outside, Token introduces Cartman, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Eric Cartman! And he will <em>not <em>be taking any questions."

"And we mean, _not_!" Stan puts emphasis on Token's words. "So, keep shit to yourself when you feel the urge to spit it out!"

Cartman walks up on the podium and is prepared to read off of the cards until he notices Jenny sitting in the very front, with a smile that indicates she knows something amout him.

"As an answer to if whether or not I was involved in the events of last night, here's my answer!" Cartman starts reading off of the cards, but tosses them to the side and, as a repeat of the last press conference he called, blatantly utters, "I am Iron Ric!"

Everyone at the press conference, with the exception of Jenny, who further implies that she already knows with her smile, stand up and, to Stan's anger and frustration, start asking Cartman questions all at once until the screen fades to black!

* * *

><p><strong>Omega note: Well, that about says it all for the first half of this fic and the parody of the first Iron man movie! The second halves, which will parody the second movie, will have more action, more emphasis on Cartman and Brittany's bond, and of course…fat jokes for Iron Ric himself, Eric Cartman! Till then, basically, I'm out! <strong>


	3. Six Days Later

**Omega note:** Hey, everyone. I got a confession to make. I was inclined to back off of fanfiction for a little bit due to work hours and another writing task I was doing. But, after seeing the South Park Season 16 premiere, I was fired up and re-determined to continue on! Now, this chapter (and the oncoming final part) parodies the second Iron man movie, so you know what that means! More action, more suspense, and of course…even more Eric Cartman/Iron Ric! And as extra treats, any and all Stan fans can expect to see Stan's role increase in these final chapters, the role Kenny plays in all of this (though probably not one you'd expect), and ultimately, who the main antagonist is in all of this! R and R please! I HAVE to know what you guys like and what you think I should improve on! Besides length, because I know I should probably avoid making another long chapter like this one!

* * *

><p>In a dorm room in an unknown college, a young hippie in his early to mid twenties with overgrown black hair wakes up to find that his TV is still on and on channel 4, exactly at the time when Cartman reveals he is Iron Ric to the world. Upon hearing this, he develops a surprised facial expression before a girl, not a hippie like him, awakes in his bed, having obviously snuck in at one point during last night.<p>

She asks the hippie, "What's wrong, Alvin?"

"Uh…nothing!" He lies, getting up and putting his pants on. "Just…gotta check something out real fast, babe! Might wanna get back to your dorm before the wannabe cocksucking security guard shows up!" He rushes out of the room as he drinks a little acid, much to the girl's confusion.

In a small workshop with a dozen magazine articles all on the walls (all depicting Cartman's past anti-hippie activities), Alvin is seen looking through the blueprints for Zachariah's suit and power-source via his computer; obviously meaning that someone sent him those immediately after the bald child's death. Intrigued and somewhat angered, he begins work on a power-source similar to Zachariah's, using large metal scraps, a toolbox, and a blowtorch. He spends the entire day doing this, but ultimately, he succeeds in perfectly replicating both Cartman's and Zachariah's power-source and laughs maniacally, arrogant about his work.

"Hey, kid! Get outta there, will ya? I got business!" A man with glasses interrupts Alvin's dramatic moment and steps in as the young hippie steps out with his device. After closing the door behind him, he sits down at his desk, pulls out a playboy magazine, and begins masturbating while laughing lustfully.

Outside, Alvin sneers triumphantly as his device shines brightly.

* * *

><p>Six days later in South Park, where Stark's Pond once was, rests the remarkably large and highly populated park, "Cartman's Parental Vengeance Expo" (parodying the "Stark Expo" in appearance). From the sky, we can see Cartman, as Iron Ric, flying through the roofless auditorium and landing right on the stage in front of the 8-year-old Ric-Chick Dancers (parodying the "Ironette Dancers") as the crowd, consisting entirely of kids under 14, goes nuts! Cartman's suit is slowly removed from his body by the mechanical arms under the stage, revealing himself to still be in his Tony Stark-look and in a black suit. The Ric-Chick Dancers finish the last of their dance and walk to the back of the stage as the audience applauds.<p>

"GOOD TO BE BACK, RIGHT SOUTH PARK?" Cartman screams into the mike. "As in "back to the way the world was before the hippies came and fucked up everything including their teeth"! Am I right?"

The audience cheers loudly as Cartman continues, "But seriously! It's not about me! I mean, I'm responsible for all the good stuff happening here, but this is all about…respect! And what little respect many of our guardians of authoritah have for us! I'm talking of course…about our parents!" Hearing Cartman make his point, many members of the audience hiss and boo in agreement. "To our faces, they lie! For no reason, they go fucking nuts over stuff and force us into chaos! And worst of all, they deny us our rights despite the fact that this is a free country! And when they get in our faces, we have so explain slowly and surely that this is their karma! Despite the name of this park, it's not truly about revenge so much as justice!" The audience cheers yet again.

"And to send you home tonight, I have a treat for you!" Cartman continues. "A sneak-peek of the next Terrance and Phillip episode for next week, titled "Gassy Retribution"!"

As the audience applauds and Cartman walks backstage, on the wide-screen above plays a small portion of the upcoming aforementioned Terrance and Phillip episode, Gassy Retribution. It depicts nine-year-old Canadian triplets being reprimanded by their parents for a prank they pulled on them involving paintball-paint in their messy kitchen.

"_I hope you realize that there's no getting around punishment this time, young men!"_ The mother snarls.

"_I hope you realize—blah, blah, blah! Shit! Shit! Shit! Dick! Dick! Dick!" _The middle boy mocks his parents. _"Like you didn't have this coming for changing your minds about letting us go on a freakin' field trip we already paid for and embarrassing us in front of everybody!"_

"_And don't think for a fucking second that we're done!" _The triplet on the right sneers.

"_What's that supposed to mean?" _The father folds his arms suspicious.

"_You'll see in three…two…one!" _The triplet on the left adds as Terrance and Phillip enter the house laughing.

"_Hey, lying, deceitful, and shitty excuse for a dad? Guess what? I just had expired beans for lunch!" _Terrance jumps up in the air and farts in the father's face, creating a puff of green smoke that causes him to choke wildly! Terrance laughs hysterically.

"_Hey, ugly, bitchy, and shitty excuse for a mom? Wanna know something? I just had eight-day-old corn!" _Phillip jumps up in the air and farts in the mother's face, forcing her to suffer the same thing her husband just did! Phillip laughs uncontrollably and joins Terrance in giving the triplets all high-fives. Just when the parents start to get up, the Canadian duo knocks them back down with their powerful farts and laugh even harder than before!

"AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The audience laughs hysterically until many of them faint and/or fall to the floor!

* * *

><p>Moments later, Stan, without his fellow security companions, is doing his bodyguard duties effectively by keeping the paparazzi from making physical contact with Cartman as he leaves the auditorium through the back-way.<p>

"Back! Stay back! Hey! I said, fuck off!" Stan keeps a few photographers at bay by pushing them back.

"Hey, look at that handsome big-boned fellow there!" Cartman quickly signs his name on a few pictures of himself as Iron Ric and receives the phone number from a girl that was about 7.

"Hey! Hey! Back it! Back it, god dammit!" Stan pushes back some more people. Subsequently, he and Cartman make it out of the auditorium and head towards a shiny silver kart with a retracted sunroof and a blonde girl their age (who looks a lot like Wendy) leaning against it.

"Glad to see you're not taking the job too seriously!" Cartman jokes. "I take it you and Wendy enjoyed the summerhouse? I swear I heard your name being screamed in pleasure from a mile away!"

"Didn't get to, dude!" Stan sighs disappointed. "Too much homework! Unlike you, I can't pay a nerdy douche-bag to do it for me!"

"What makes you think I do that?" Cartman asks, causing Stan to look at him with a '_You think I'm a freakin' idiot?_' facial expression. "All right, good! You know me! Just like any bodyguard would! So, who's that? She come with the kart?"

"Hope so. For you!" Stan replies as he and Cartman walk up to the girl. "Time you had one other than your mom!"

"I got Brittany!" Cartman steps in front of the girl.

"Who do you think I meant?" Stan gets into shotgun seat of the kart.

"What're you doing here?" Cartman asks her with a cool tone.

"Looking for you!" She replies with a lovely smile.

"Well, ya found me!" Cartman hops into the kart's driver's seat. "Guess instead of being a dick like I'd like to be I'll just ask, what're you up to?"

"Serving Subpoenas." She shows Cartman a message poorly written in black crayon on a piece of paper.

"Subpoena, what?" Stan looks at Cartman confused.

"Okay, how can _you_ serve one of those and _way_ more importantly, why do I get one? We're children!" Cartman argues.

"Who do you think sent you this?" The girl continues. "You are due to appear before the child court at the Park County Community Center at 7:30 a.m! Just before it's time to get up and go to school!"

"And if I tell the guys who sent me this to suck my balls and I don't show?" Cartman asks defiantly.

"They'll tell your mom that you were caught playing around an active volcano six days back!" The girl folds her arms.

"Oh, god dammit!" Cartman hits the dashboard in frustration.

"So, whadowe do until then?" Stan asks. "We don't have to home for another few hours."

"Check on the house I got from Zach! Bought it before his mom could sell it to pay for the asshole's funeral! Ha! Ha! Can you believe that? What a waste!" Cartman and Stan drive off.

* * *

><p>The following morning at the Park County Community Center at 7:30 a.m, Cartman, now wearing a navy blue suit, and Token, dressed in an air force costume like Rhodey, sits at the main desk with Brittany sitting in the well-dressed child audience behind him. Five equally well-dressed boys, obviously the child court, walk up to the stands and take their seats. To his surprise, Cartman realizes that the child heading the court is none other than his friend,<p>

"Kenny? What the hell? _You _threatened to tell my mom if I didn't come to this stupid thing?" Cartman asks surprised.

"Yep! And the proof's right here!" Kenny, dressed like Senator Stern despite his hooded parka, muffles proud, showing a DVD disc in his hand.

"Just what the fuck do you want from me?" Cartman folds his arms.

"Like you don't know, fatso!" Kenny started into the microphone. "We want you to turn over the Iron Ric armor and allow the parts to be sold so that they could be reversed engineered into something that could allow the poor, like me, to never be hungry again!"

"Screw that, dude!" Cartman scornfully refuses. "Until all the hippies in this world are reduced to shit and I'm sure of it, I am Iron Ric! The suit and I are one! To turn over and let it be used for something to get people like you to stay out of work is tantamount to sucking dick without getting paid! You can't have it!" The majority of the audience, save for Brittany, laugh heartily.

"Look, you might think you're the only one in the world who knows how to slay hippies, but-" Kenny starts agitated.

"Hey! Hey! Don't get pissed at me because you won't get off your ass and try to earn something more than a baloney sandwich and water! Why don't you get a job in pornography! Slap some titties for the camera and get some meat on your table, no pun intended!" Cartman interrupts, his mocking of Kenny's knowledge of sex amusing everyone with the exception of Brittany.

"May I remind you, Cartman, that your former personal assistant Brittany Walsh is now CEO of your company and I do believe I have ways of coercing her into fucking the whole thing up!" Kenny threatens, forcing both Cartman and the audience to become silent and Brittany to become disgusted, knowing very well what Kenny meant! "Like I was saying, you're not the only hippie-slayer in the world! With or without Zach Chain! I'd like to call to the chamber…Scott Tenorman!"

Cartman develops a facial expression of surprise upon hearing the name of one of his early enemies. Last time he remembers seeing him in person was when he revealed that they share the same father when he and his ginger army were holding him captive. However, as Scott himself enters the chamber, he doesn't appear to be as psychotic and mad as he was in **201**. Quite the contrary, he is reserved, calm, and resembles Justin Hammer from the Iron man 2 movie (minus the glasses). He sits down next to Cartman, who cruelly speaks into the mike, "Just so you know, I'm well-aware of Tenorman Industries' record of producing anti-hippie weaponry for the military as I once did! But who're you or he kiddin' here? He can't even make a cannon without blowing someone's balls off! And most of the time, it's not hippies he does that to!"

"You're right, Eric! I'm not a quarter of the expert you are at hippie-slaying technology, at all!" Scott starts. "I just have get-by tech! But here's the thing! The tech I make, while a threat anywhere else, is at least vetted by the military and is therefore legal. With your sword of unimaginable power, which you stupidly keep calling a shield, you have done awesome things for the world in 6 days. But seriously, who're _you _kiddin'? Sure you gave the hippies quite a beat down and all of them are almost extinct, but there's gonna be some problems that not even you can take down. Do the right thing, Eric! God bless Iron Ric and God bless America!"

The audience, save for Brittany, applauds while Cartman rolls his eyes in annoyance before he begins doing something unknown with his phone.

"And now, a brief testimony from your financial benefactor for the creation of your suit, Token Black! Token?" Kenny motions for Token to begin.

"Iron Ric, not being a member of any sort of national authority whatsoever, presents a potential threat to the world with or without Mr. Cartman's influence and is a product of vigilantism!" Token starts.

"Say, wha-?" Cartman stops what he's doing and starts to speak up, but Token, anticipating this, slaps his mouth shut.

"But, Iron Ric's track record for keeping the world safe from lethal enemies and the benefits he offers far outweigh the possibilities of him becoming one of the country's future problems. And given his wealth and power, while pathetically inferior to mine, it would be remarkably unwise to deprive him of what is considered to be his own property!" Token reads his report.

"Ha! Ha! In your face, Kenny!" Cartman blows a raspberry at Kenny and stops what he's doing on his phone again. "And while we're on national television for only God knows why, I can give you another reason why you aren't getting my suit! Have a look at the screen!"

The flatscreen television next to the child court stand, which wasn't there a moment ago, turns on without anyone controlling it! The TV then begins to resemble a slideshow, as images depicting both Scott and Kenny (respectively, of course) in rather personal situations. Obviously, Cartman has brought these up to try and discredit both Scott and Kenny.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" Kenny looks over at the TV surprised.

The images thereon depict Kenny, without his parka and in green swimming trunks, on top of Red, in a pink bikini, as they make out passionately, much to everyone's laughter and interest!

"The hell?" Kenny yells outraged as he blushes. "I wasn't doing that with Red! I mean, uh—OH! Turn it off!"

"Hell, no! Check out this next clip!" Cartman points to the TV to show a parka-less Kenny receiving a BJ from half-naked Tammy Warner behind T.G.I. Fridays earlier on in the year, much to the further enjoyment of the audience! Even Brittany couldn't help but giggle a couple times!

"Hmm, nothing career-scarring for life here!" Cartman smirks before he continues, "Whoa, yo! Is that Scott Tenorman? Since when did Scott get any ladies?"

The next picture depicts a shirtless Scott being treated like a king by half-dressed Ginger girls his age, causing everyone's interests and attention to escalate!

"Scott, dude, why'd you have to take a picture of yourself in the middle of a personal time?" Cartman looks over to Token, who smiles himself, knowing that Cartman did this for a reason! Just then, BLAM! The TV is blown to smithereens when Scott fires a revolver directly at it.

"Yeah, I'd say the media's gonna go easy on Kenny just because he's poor and immune to ridicule...except by me!" Cartman speaks up. "Scott and Tenorman Industries, no mercy."

"I think we all know those are fake!" Scott sits down embarrassed.

"All three of them?" A young reporter reprimands Scott. "Pretty big coincidence!"

"I'd say we're done here!" Kenny stands up, still embarrassed. "Cartman's made his point! There's nothing more to say!"

"Except for "serves you right"!" Cartman tells off Kenny, who muffles, "What do you mean?"

"Like you don't know, asshole! I'm sick and tired of you guys fightin' me on everything I say! When I said you couldn't have my property the first time, I meant it! That's what I have to say! But what _you_ need to say is "thank you"! I did you the biggest fucking favor ever! I've brought the world one step closer to peace by nearly eradicating the hippies completely!" Cartman stands on the table and raises his hands triumphantly, receiving praise from everyone excluding Token, Brittany, Kenny, and Scott.

"Adjourned! Meeting adjourned!" Kenny rolls his eyes.

"Good!" Token chuckles. "Now, I can get to rehearsal on time!"

* * *

><p>From his own TV, Alvin sees Cartman at the Community Center while powering up his weapon. He puts and turns it on, revealing that his primary weapons are metallic energy whips that resemble long thorns on vines. He turns to his TV to see Cartman flicking the TV camera off with both hands before Alvin destroys the TV with one of his whips, showing us what he intends to do!<p>

* * *

><p>On the highway, some time after school, there is a house-moving truck. Ironically, however, it wasn't hauling a house, but a clubhouse-mansion; obviously the one that Cartman told Stan that he bought from the deceased Zachariah. Contrary to Cartman's previous one, this clubhouse-mansion strongly resembles Stark's mansion in the movies. In the attic of the clubhouse-mansion, Cartman's Leon Kennedy toy is on a laptop at a desk just as Cartman himself arrives to talk to him.<p>

"It went well all right, Leon!" Cartman yawns, obviously still tired even if he did more than likely sleep through class. "More important question is, are we good on more important matters?" Believing his toy gave him a response, he rushes over to the laptop and says, "What? You're saying that on the same night I took out Zach, these blueprints on his suit just vanished without a trace?" Again, as if his toy was talking to him, he replies, "Looks like it, Leon. Question is, _who_ did he send the blueprints to and is that the only person he's conspiring with?"

Spotting Brittany come up the stairs with the corner of his eye, he defensively closes the laptop and pretends to have a conversation with his toy until she walks up to him.

"Thought you were talking with your dolls and stuff." Cartman puts on the cool act.

"They got bored and so did I." Brittany sarcastically replies. "Eric, we need to talk about this whole "me being CEO instead of you" thing right now!"

"We already did! That's kinda why you _are _CEO!" Cartman sneers.

"That wasn't really a talk! That was an…order!" Brittany remembers. "And I have to say, this-this façade is coming down hard on m-"

"Brittany! Brittany, I know this is hard, but it's all going to be over soon! Just remember what I told you and try to use it as a pillow to lay on!" Cartman explains, "The company is almost barely getting any money after I decided to switch back to the Parental Vengeance Venture and that sort of thing draws bad luck! Media! Reporters! You know what I mean! By me spending the past six days as Iron Ric, I'm deterring serious attention from the company. And by making you CEO, you, my fellow half-breed redhead and former personal assistant who always knows what to say, the company is just barely slipping by the media's attention and scoring an A. Once the last of the hippies are wiped out, which should be before the week's over, I'll take back the reigns! Now, c'mon! Smile for me! Smile! Smile!"

Cartman teases Brittany until a smirk is forced on her face and the former exclaims triumphantly, "Thata girl!"

"One more thing I need to talk to you about!" Brittany adds.

"_Sigh_, look!" Cartman rolls his eyes, but keeps a smile on his face. "Britt, about the dance that night, we both know that that was just…inner lust! Y'know, sexual tension! Out of our system, right?" Cartman laughs nervously.

"Uh, yeah, right!" Brittany chuckles more nervously, but is actually blushing a little. "But that's not what I was saying. Did you have to have the Ric-Chick dancers? Your ego is already wild enough with the rest of that Expo at Stark's Pond!"

"Rakes in the dudes! What can I say?" Cartman raises his eyebrows. "Besides, they were cheap. Five bucks each!"

"Well, guess it could be worse!" Brittany shrugged. "They could be Raisins girls! Ugh! Buncha lazy sluts! Can't believe Stan had the balls to suggest _that_ of all places for me to work if you didn't come back from captivity!"

"I don't know! After that outfit display at the Taffy, you're a pretty suitable candidate!" Cartman chortles.

"Lemme be as clear as I possibly can!" Brittany grabs Cartman's shirt insanely. "I will never, ever…ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never, ever in infinity times 60,000 ever become a raisins girl! Get it?"

"Got it!" Cartman removes Brittany's hands, obviously a tad frightened by her latent psychosis.

"Good!" Brittany touches his face kindly.

Later in the day, with the clubhouse-mansion now in the place of Cartman's previous one, in a boxing ring in the middle of the living room, Stan is sparring with Cartman. Both are wearing boxing gloves and protective headgear that match their normal attire.

"Don't hold back, Stan!" Cartman pants, still being out-of-shape without his suit. "I gotta fight the best way possible if I'm gonna complete the genocide of the hippies this week!"

"Believe me, dude, I'm not holding back!" Stan jumps up and down to wake his legs up. "You just need to pick up speed. You've got power, but you're still slow as hell. That's why my girlfriend beat your ass that day! She was faster than you!"

"Hey, watch it, genius!" Cartman snarls at Stan's remark. "I let your girlfriend win! Fighting chicks is beneath me!"

"Put your fists where your mouth is, Tubby!" Stan taunts. Cartman dashes at him and swings three times, but Stan blocks the first two and ducks the last one before he punches Cartman in the face. "Focus, big guy! Focus! You got knocked down by Zach twice that night 'cause you got so pissed off that you couldn't focus! You'll get fucking killed next time!"

"I! Know! Agh!" Cartman misses Stan once before getting punched in the face and misses two more times before getting punched in both the stomach and the face!

"FOCUS, FATASS! FOCUS! CONCENTRATE!" Stan urged. Cartman inhales deeply and comes at Stan once more at a seemingly slow pace. Right when Stan is about to land another punch, Cartman surprises him by ducking and landing a blow to Stan left cheek! Cartman keeps at him with three more blows to each cheek and one blow to his stomach before he bounces back!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS FUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cartman raises his hands satisfied.

Rather than be annoyed, Stan proudly congratulates Cartman as he stands up, "There ya go, big guy! Good shots! You picked up speed all right, but you still need to be faster with or without your suit!"

"Eric! I've got someone here you should meet!" Brittany walks into the living room with a beautiful redheaded 10-year-old girl (her hair much darker than Brittany's) that strongly resembles Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff in Iron man 2. She is carrying a six-inch binder in her left hand. "She's the last official candidate in the running to be your new personal assistant!"

Both of the boys' attentions go right to the girl. Cartman finds her absolutely stunning, perhaps even more so than even Brittany! However, he remains a tad suspicious about her. Stan, being in a relationship with Wendy, finds it simple to express his immunity to her physical appeal, but decides to whisper into Cartman's ear, _"Dude, it's like ever since you stopped hating redheads, all you attract is them!"_

"_Yeah, but keep in mind! Brittany's only a half-breed like me! This chick is…highbreed! No pale skin and no freckles, but her hair's Ginger Kid dark! Need to test her! Make sure she's not a spy!" _Cartman suggests.

"_Test her how?" _Stan asks.

"_Fight her! If she kicks your ass, she's not a Ginger Kid! Ginger Kids can't fight without guns! Understand?" _Cartman tells Stan and looks at the girl, "Sexy Red! What's your name?"

"Romane. Natalia Romane." The girl replies, unfazed by Cartman's blatant, and somewhat perverted compliment.

"Good, step into the ring with Iron Ric and Killer Marsh!" Cartman asks as Natalia complies despite Brittany's protests! Cartman stares at her in physical admiration while Natalia, despite Cartman being obese, does the same to Cartman, but with a smile! He speaks up, "Uh, Stan? Let's see if she qualifies! She wins, she's hired! So, don't hold back!"

"Never do!" Stan shakes Natalia's hand as Cartman flees the ring to stand next to Brittany.

"Could you be any more perverted?" Brittany scoffs in disgust at Cartman's inability to take his eyes off of Natalia."We might be kids, but we have to follow the rules and regulations surrounding sex too!"

"Wow, Britt! Wow!" Cartman sarcastically replies. "Here I was just stepping down from the ring after a physical inspection on the new candidate and you shoot me in balls about sex? Oh, seriously!"

"You can take the gloves off, you know." Natalia advises Stan.

"Nah, I already feel weird about hitting a girl." Stan politely refuses.

"I understand." Natalia smirks. "Just don't take it easy on me! I really want this job!"

"Don't worry, I won't!" Stan swings at Natalia, but to his surprise, she easily blocks it, grapples onto his arm, twists it around his back, kicks him in the back of the knee to force him to kneel, and finally, spins around to the front of him, and knocks him down with a blow to the chest!

"JESUS, DUDE!" Stan exclaims surprised!

"OH MY GOD!" Brittany stands up worried while Cartman laughs hysterically and falls on the floor. Brittany asks, "Stan, are you all right?"

"Sweet! That was so awesome!" Cartman helps Natalia out of the ring.

"Dad made me take classes when I was two." Natalia replies. "I know I probably have the job now, but could you look at my resume, anyway?"

Cartman takes her binder and looks through it. He learns that she is multilingual just like him. Fluent in German, Spanish, and Russian. He also learns that she was a child model when he sees three pictures of her half-naked! Aroused, he immediately shakes her hand, "Welcome aboard! For your first assignment, I'd like you to put something hot on to accompany Miss Walsh and myself to a dinner meeting at the Left Cheek restaurant! We'll be interviewing other wealthy kids on their own parental vengeance inventions and I need to be seen with everyone in my clubhouse-hold!"

"Right away! And will that be all, Mr. Cartman?" Natalia asks sweetly.

"Well-"

"Yes. That will be all for now, Natalia!" Brittany interrupts Cartman with an unnoticeable tone of jealousy hidden behind a convincing smile.

Just then, Cartman hears the sound of go-karts nearby and looks out the window to see, in the distance, everyone in Mr. Garrison's class (and much more) either driving karts on a makeshift racecar track or watching it as it is underway. Brittany walks up next to Cartman with another false smile, knowing exactly what the shifty-eyed Cartman is thinking.

"I want to." Cartman tells her.

"No." Brittany immediately forbids him, retaining her false smile!

* * *

><p>Outside his college, Alvin discreetly puts his weapon in the trunk of his white used car and gets into the driver's seat to listen to the radio, <em>"Indeed, Jared! That's one boring thing that I thought Eric Cartman would bail on for sure! A dinner meeting at The Left Cheek restaurant near both his clubhouse and the makeshift nearby race track a couple miles across! Yes sir!"<em>

Alvin smiles sinisterly and drives off to complete his sinister objective!

* * *

><p>At the Left Cheek, Cartman and Brittany (well, really only Brittany; Cartman is sulking next to her in boredom) are sitting at a four-person table speaking with an apparently wealthy couple (no older than them of course) on the subject of presenting something at the Expo. Cartman's attention shifts to the bar table and, against Brittany's subtle protests (hitting him on the knee), dashes off. At the table, Natalia, in a beautiful pink dress (just like NatalieNatasha), meets Cartman.

"Doesn't make any sense for all these people to be suckish like this just cause they have money!" Cartman, rather than taking the sprite in a martini glass, takes the whole bottle and guzzles it down. "I mean, for shit's sake…"

"They're children. _We're_ children." Natalia finishes for Cartman, surprising him and prompting him to turn to her, "Walk with me. Find a place for us to sit together." He begins to flirt with her, "You look great by the way!"

"Why thank you very much!" Natalia shakes her head.

"But that's unprofessional and you haven't been with me long enough. What did my mom have to say about dinner?" Cartman sniffs.

"She said she wanted you home by dinner at 8:00." Natalia points to a table for four.

"Great, tell her I'll be there at 10." Cartman sits with Natalia.

"You got it." Natalia makes a note.

"So, where are you-"

"Eric!" Scott Tenorman appears behind Cartman and Natalia and walks up to them, prompting Cartman to say, "Oh, god! You gotta be kidding me!"

"You still wearing that fake beard and stuff?" Scott sits down next to Cartman. "You don't have to act mature when you're among your own kind. Me, I don't care because you're my half-brother…brother!"

"But you're a teenager." Natalia points out.

"Who's this?" Scott asks Cartman, whom's attention quickly shifted to the TV above, where a reporter is talking about the nearby kart-racetrack.

"Uh, Natalia? Can you give us a minute?" Cartman asks.

"Sure." She walks off, prompting Cartman to push Scott off of him and bitterly ask, "What do you want, Scotty?"

"A slot for your Expo. I figure you owe me after what happened at the community center." Scott just as resentfully replies.

"You brought that on yourself by siding with Kenny. Like he fucking knows what he's talking about." Cartman retorts. "And even if I decide to give you a slot, and I'm not 'cause you're a fucking cockroach to me, you'll make us both look bad 'cause you'll blow hundreds of balls and titties sky-high without a single hippie within 10 miles!"

"Now, you listen here, you little son of a slutty bitch-" Scott points in Cartman's face.

"No, you listen to me, asswipe!" Cartman growls. "Just who do you think the dominant one in this room is? The guy who tricked the other guy out of his money and humiliated him in front of his friends; or the guy who made that same guy eat his own parents and months later, dead diseased animals in the form of hot dogs and hamburgers? Wanna bet I can't do worse…brother?"

A steamed-up Cartman leaves an enraged Scott at the table.

* * *

><p>Moments later, at the kart racetrack, Cartman, in a red kart-race suit, is paying an unknown kid to give him his red kart (which, oddly, had Cartman's company name on it). The kid excitedly takes the money and sprints away throwing his helmet at Cartman's face by accident!<p>

"Ow! Watch it, asshole!" Cartman puts on the helmet.

* * *

><p>At the Left Cheek, to her outrage, Brittany, looking up at the TV by sheer accident immediately after saying "thank you" to another wealthy couple, sees Cartman talking with fellow racers and classmates Clyde, Craig, and Kevin just before its time to race again. Eventually, everyone, including Scott, whose been drinking lots and lots of soda, see him and have a mixture of emotions altogether.<p>

"_Oh, please! I could drive circles around you three and you know it!" _Cartman tells the guys.

"_This ain't nothing compared to remote control cars, rich boy!"_ Craig nasally taunted.

"_Yeah, you might be a superhero in knight and shining armor to the rest of the world, but here in South Park, you're still one of us! Just fatter!" _Clyde adds.

"_Dude, you're just asking for a squah kick in the nuts!" _Cartman points his finger at Clyde. _"Let's keep this about what's gonna happen when I win!" _

"_When __**I**__ win, you guys have to dress up as Princess Leia at school for a week!" _Kevin states, prompting the other boys to stare at him emotionless.

"_Seriously, Kevin? God dammit." _Cartman shakes his head disapprovingly.

"Natalia!" Brittany calls.

"Yes, Miss Walsh?" Natalia shows up.

"Did you know about this?" Brittany asks.

"Heard this at the same time you did. Just now." Natalia answers.

"Where's Stan?"

"He's in the back talking to Wendy on the phone."

"Okay, bring him to me. I need Stan."

Natalia goes off to do what she was told.

* * *

><p>On the track, the racers are ready to begin. Clyde is in his red kart (though a brighter shade than Cartman's) next to Craig. Craig is in his dark blue kart next to Kevin. Kevin is in his light blue kart next to Francis. And Francis is in his silver kart next to Cartman. Red, half-dressed, waves the checkered flag before the boys immediately drive off! Francis has the lead with Craig and Kevin not too far behind him! Cartman manages to get past Clyde and Kevin, but Craig drives in front of him to paralyze him!<p>

"AMATEUR!" Cartman shifts gears and somehow manages to jump over Craig and put himself in second place to Francis!

"HEY, ASSHOLE!" Craig shouts angered, flicking Cartman off, who in turn yells, "EY! DON'T FLICK ME OFF, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Not too far away, Alvin, disguised as a security guard, enters the gate separating the cheering stands from the track!

The boys have already rode around the track three times and Francis remains in the lead. However, seconds later, Clyde manages to surpass him while Cartman is coming right up on him. Then, it happens. The thing that will change the course of Cartman's plans as Iron Ric. Alvin walks out onto the track despite the speeding oncoming racers. From the TV, Brittany, Scott, Natalia, and everyone there witness it as well as the audience in the stands.

Alvin rips open his false uniform to reveal his circular power-source before his clothes burn off and reveal that he is wearing his weapon! Just then, just for fun, he slashes Clyde's hood and causes his kart to tumble down the track half-destroyed. Once it hits the gates, Clyde falls out.

"CLYDE!" Annie yells concerned.

"Wah-hah-hah!" Clyde cries, as he often does when something he doesn't like happens.

* * *

><p>At the Left Cheek, Brittany worries for Cartman and looks to her left at Stan, who shows her a metallic backpack with the same color-scheme as Cartman's Iron Ric suit. She subsequently gets up and follows him to their kart-limo. They drive off to assist Cartman by getting his portable suit to him before its too late.<p>

* * *

><p>On the track, Cartman is driving up to Alvin now!<p>

"ERIC! WATCH OUT!" Heidi yells from the stands! But it's too late! Before he knows it, his kart is slashed by one of his whips and his kart is forced to tumble down the track half-destroyed as well! Craig, Francis, and Kevin immediately cease driving, get out of their karts, and climb over the gates in fear! Cartman, blood running down the left side of his face, looks up to find Alvin menacingly trudging towards him. He successfully crawls out of his kart and gasps in horror, _"Can't be! A…college know-it-all hippie! Thought for sure they were finished!"_

* * *

><p>From the Left Cheek, Scott smirks sinisterly and takes out his cell phone.<p>

* * *

><p>Alvin swings around his whips and starts slashing the air as Cartman notices a leak in his kart and has a quick idea. He jumps up on the kart and right when Alvin slashes at the obese child, he jumps over his head and forces him instead to slash his kart, which explodes on impact!<p>

"What an asshole. Hey! Ow! Ow! Ow! Bitch! Ow!" Cartman looks to find the pants on his butt on fire. He slaps his own butt a few times to put out the flames just as Alvin, barely fazed by Cartman's attempt at evading him, walks towards him threateningly, intent on finishing the boy before he finishes his (Alvin's) own kind!

"Who the fuck is this guy?" Cartman mutters.

Suddenly, his kart-limo, driven by Stan with Brittany sitting in the back, busts through the gates and drives towards both he and Alvin! Cartman dodges out of the way just as Alvin is crushed by the kart and falls on the hood unconscious! Cartman walks over to Stan while Brittany hyperventilates, barely recovering.

"You were going for him, right?" Cartman asks Stan.

"Course I was! What kind of stupid question is that?" Stan replies.

"I'm asking 'cause it looked like you were gonna kill us both, smart-ass!" Cartman explains.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Brittany shrieks at Cartman! Not because he almost got killed (even though it's not his fault), but because he went against what she said earlier about _not _going to the race! "GET IN THE KART RIGHT NOW!"

"I WAS ATTACKED!" Cartman tries to reason with her.

"GET IN THE KART!" Brittany demands.

"Don't scream at me 'cause there are no grown-ups around to be security guards for something like this! Shit!" Cartman walks around to sit next to Brittany just as Alvin slowly regains consciousness. "Freakin' South Park, man!"

"AGH!" Just as Cartman opens the door, Alvin slashes it in half to keep him from getting away!

"I'M GONNA HIT HIM AGAIN!" Stan started the kart up to crash into Alvin again!

"NO, WAIT! WAIT! HONK THE HORN! HONK THE HORN!" Cartman tells Stan.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GONNA DO?" Stan asks outraged.

"JUST DO IT!" Cartman demands.

Stan honks the kart's horn before, suddenly, the kart emits an extremely loud and powerful fart noise that is actually potent enough to force Alvin up against the gates, much to Cartman's laughter!

"Dude, sweet!" Stan chuckles. "You had the new Terrance and Phillip megaflat engine installed?"

"Yep! Now, honk it again!"

Stan honks the horn once more and again, Alvin is forced against the gates, much to Stan and Cartman's laughter!

"Triple the deal! Triple the deal!"

Stan presses it yet again and once more, Alvin is blown further against the gates before he could even move his arm to swing his whip; causing both Stan and Cartman to laugh harder!

"HERE! JUST TAKE THE BAG!" Brittany tries to hand Cartman his metallic backpack. "STOP HONKING THE HORN! STOP MAKING HIM LOOK BAD!"

"No, not yet! Do it again! Do it again!"

Stan honks it again, but this time a little longer! Cartman could barely stand after laughing as much as he did while Stan could only hold his ribs with one arm!

"STOP HONKING THE FUCKING HORN AND JUST TAKE THE BAG!" Brittany yells to Cartman, but to no avail!

"One more time! One more time!" Cartman wipes a tear from his eye. "But hold it down!"

Stan honks the horn one last time and keeps his hand there to sustain the shockwave; to his and Cartman's hysterical laughter. Fed up, Alvin manages to slash the top of the kart and force both Stan and Cartman to cease laughing. He spins his left whip in the air like a lasso and slashes the side of the kart in half!

"OH, GOD!" Brittany screams in horror!

Alvin slashes the hood of the kart to escape and forces an airbag to deploy and hit Stan in the face!

"GOD DAMN STUBBORN HIPPIE!" Cartman turns to Brittany, intent on getting serious (finally). "GIMME THE BAG! PLEASE! C'MON!"

Brittany tosses the metallic bag to Cartman before he opens it up and pulls out a metallic wristband the color of his suit. As "I am Iron man" by Black Sabbath plays in the background, Cartman slaps on the wristband and immediately begins to become covered in his suit! In the stands, Craig, Wendy, Clyde, Bebe, Butters, Red, Kevin, and Heidi excitedly run up to the very first bench to watch Cartman's transformation. Once his mask snaps onto his head, he pushes his kart-limo away to engage Alvin in a fight. Eric Cartman is gone. Now, it's Iron Ric!

"FUCK HIM UP, ERIC!" Butters cheers Iron Ric on.

Iron Ric jumps up in the air and descends towards Alvin, who responds by swinging both whips at him! Using two energy balls, Iron Ric keeps the whips at bay in time to land and strike the hippie on both sides of his jaw, breaking many of his teeth and giving him heavy bruises! He then tosses Alvin out onto the track before he trudges towards him! Displaying great speed, Alvin manages to diagonally slash Iron Ric's chest and damage it greatly, but not enough to get him to back down! Alvin then slashes diagonally again, but this time in the other direction to create a large, singed X! Alvin swings both whips at Iron Ric, much to the worry of his peers! But to their subsequent surprise, the armored child catches both whips, pulls Alvin over to him, and sends him to the ground with a kick to the stomach! He then rips out the power-source in his chest to study it and realizes the tech is similar not just to his own, but also the deceased Zachariah's!

"Who the fuck are you?" Iron Ric grabs his throat, not realizing that his peers are still cheering him for his victory.

"Guess you should know your enemy!" Alvin spits. "The name's Marko! Alvin Marko! That's all you get…fatty!"

Just then, the cops arrive and drag Alvin away while congratulating Iron Ric, who looks to his left to see Brittany help Stan out of the kart-limo. Just then, however, Alvin throws a metallic, pebble-sized device at Iron Ric, which attaches itself to his back.

* * *

><p>Later on that day in his basementworkshop, Cartman and his toy Leon are looking at the records of Alvin Marko, but because he is a college student, they don't find much.

"Had straight As since the 7th grade. Blah! Blah! Blah! Parents are an environmentalist and a naturalist. Gay! Gay! Gay!" Cartman rolls his eyes. "Top of the electrical and mechanical engineering classes at Cherry Creek University. This is all interesting, Leon, but it doesn't tell us if whether or not this guy was working with Zach! He's a dead end since the cops won't let me see him! Might as well rip on Kenny again for being a dickfaced failure."

Cartman switches the computer screen back to a webcam featuring an angered Kenny muffling, "Don't you have better things to do than to annoy the fucking hell out of me again?"

"Nope!" Cartman sneers. "Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! I beat you in a court case because you've been discredited courtesy of me-he! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!"

"Eric!" Token walks into the basement to talk with the wealthy obese boy.

"I told you already, Token, take the suit whenever, but you're weaponizing it yourself!" Cartman interrupts and continues taunting Kenny, "That's the thing about poor people! They've got balls, dirty ones though, but they're naturally failures! Should've worked for me when you had the chance!"

"Eric, I've spent the last few hours negotiating with my parents, talking them out of coming up in here, confiscating the suit you made with _my_ money, and then telling your mom!" Token explains, "All right, they're seriously pissed off! They think the money they gave me went to waste with you all because you had a close call on the kart-racetrack!…Remember what you said to me the other day? You said in the event the hippie-heat gets too much for you to take, you'd let me fight with you until it's over! And I got a feeling what just happened _isn't_ over!"

"How the hell did you even get a suit like that with you being so fucking broke?" Cartman continues taunting Kenny. It appears to the annoyed and frustrated Token that Cartman wasn't paying him any attention, but to the contrary, "Thanks anyway, Token, but this long-occurring hippie crisis is already almost done! So, you could probably use the suit as workout equipment later!"

Cartman laughs cruelly at Kenny's inability to keep up with him financially while Token walks away rubbing his head.

* * *

><p>In the office building of Tenorman Industries, Scott sits in his burgundy armchair looking out the window until someone from behind him speaks up, "Mr. Tenorman. He's here." Sneering, he slowly turns around in his chair to face the person that was brought to him. It is him. None other than him. The college know-it-all hippie that dared to stand up to Cartman in front of South Park! Alvin Marko!<p>

"Nice to meet you finally…Alvin!" Scott sticks his hand out, but Alvin refuses to shake it.

"I know who you are, too...Mr. Corporation. You make weapons for the military to extinguish my people."

"But for only one reason…to make Eric Cartman look bad. Sucks ass that I haven't had any luck."

"Wait. You hate that little fat fuck, too?"

"Somehow, "hate" isn't a strong enough word these days. What with it being intensified after he murdered my last business partner…Zachariah Chain."

"Chain? He's the one who sent me the blueprints to his Iron Chain suit! In the event something happens to him instead of…Cartman! So, what's your story?"

"When Eric bought Zachariah's company and turned it into the biggest hippie-slayer in the world, the guy got really pissed and wanted his company back. Badly. So, he came to me and together, we made a deal. He finds a way to kill that kid for me and I'll not only ensure that he gets his company back, destroy any possibility of evidence saying he was responsible. This set me back a few months. Or, at least it did until I saw what you did to Eric on the kart-racetrack. But here's the thing, though. Don't make the mistake of trying to kill him like I did. It's work that's not worth the trouble. Here's what you should do instead. Destroy everything about his life and make him wish he were dead…just like I did. His wealth. His clubhouse-home. And, if he even has one, his love-life."

"And you want me to help you do that. What do I get out of this? And if you say a lifetime supply of joints and guitars, you just wasted your time here."

"You help me in destroying Eric and I'll see to it that the hippie race lives on through you. Just think. A hippie-populated community without Ikemen. With a single phone call, I could bring in the hottest hippie-chick and you can begin rebuilding what fatboy destroyed. Trust me. With him out of the way, it'll happen instantaneously."

Alvin thought for a second. He smirks and proceeds to shake Scott's hand.

"Gonna hold you to that." Alvin shakes his head.

"Yeah, but there's a catch." Scott explains. "If you're gonna cavort out there, you need a new face since you _did_ just attack one of the most powerful kids in Colorado. I've already called in a surgeon."

"You kiddin' me?"

* * *

><p>In his clubhouse home that night, Cartman is sitting in his chair as Natalia makes him a spritecoke-mixed in a martini glass at his bar table. She brings it over to him and asks, "That sweet enough for you?"

"Uh…yeah. You do this job a little better than Brittany did." Cartman sips his drink. Natalia subsequently sits on an arm of his chair and begins treating the wound he received during his fight with Alvin, smiling affectionately as she does so. "Hey, you gotta be home at a certain time?"

"9:00." She answers.

"Oh, really? Sweet." Cartman clears his throat. "Lemme ask you something. Kinda retarded. If you felt like everything cool about your life was gonna fade in a day…what would you do?"

"Whatever I wanted…with whoever I wanted." She smiles and walks off.

Cartman subsequently guzzles down the rest of his soda and develops a sinister facial expression.

Half an hour later, just outside of the clubhouse-home, almost every kid in the fourth grade (excluding the four main characters and Token of course) rides up in their karts, led by Craig and Clyde. They excitedly get out of their karts to get a closer look.

"You see! I told you!" Clyde pointed. "Giant playhouse!"

"Hey, I know this area." Craig looks around. "Isn't this Eric's clubhouse?"

"It's a playhouse and it can't be!" Clyde insists. "His clubhouse got blown up six days back!"

"Hey, fellers! What's that?" Butters points to something rather strange in the clubhouse. It is Iron Ric. Dancing to some music in a wild fashion!

"H-h-holy mackerel, everyone. It's Eric! He's in his suit inviting us to p-p-p-p-party with him!" Jimmy stutters.

"Timmy!" Timmy yells.

"Well, what're we waiting for? Let's party!" Clyde leads everyone into the clubhouse to party with Iron Ric!

Fifteen minutes later, Iron Ric, seemingly more hyped up than before, is dancing to music in the middle of the floor as the many kids around him either dance with him or cheer him as he dances. Stan is conversing with Wendy on the couch as she sits on his lap and he touches her rear-end. Brittany is outraged about the situation and doesn't know what to do, knowing only that Iron Ric can and will cause danger to occur sooner or later.

Just outside of the clubhouse, Token is walking up to the doors as he talks to his father on the phone, "Dad, you're not gonna have to do that. I'm at Eric's place right now and I'm telling you firsthand that he's gonna agree with me when I say that Iron Ric's above all problems."

As Token hangs up and enters the clubhouse, Brittany immediately sees him and grabs his arm, "Token, thank God! Come here!"

"Brittany, what's wrong?" Token asks.

"Him!" Brittany points at Iron Ric.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." Token witnesses Iron Ric picking up a table and smashing it in front of the other kids, causing them to cheer! "All right, that does it!"

"Token, wait!" Brittany grabs his arm.

"Brittany, no! This is retarded!" Token frowns. "I just put my balls on the line for that fat-!"

"I know! I know! Just let me talk to him. Okay?" Brittany reasons with Token. "If he doesn't cooperate, then…don't screw up the face too much, please!"

"Yeah, deal with him, please!" Token folds his arms. "Or else I'm gonna have to!"

Brittany walks up to Iron Ric and whispers into his ear, _"You're out of control! I get you're probably still stressed about the kidnapping that week and the fact that you almost got killed again today, but putting your classmates in danger isn't the way to deal with this. What you need is to go home and get some sleep, but not before you send everyone home. Okay? It's time to go to sleep and end the party!"_

Iron Ric simply replies by putting his arm around Brittany's waist as Token shakes his head approvingly. Seconds later, however, Iron Ric pushes Brittany to the floor and fires an energy blast at the ceiling, causing a big portion of the roof to fall down and almost hit the kids. Despite this, they cheer! Iron Ric shoots the ceiling twice more, forcing Token's hand.

He walks down to the basement/workshop and over to his suit, obviously intent on beating some sense into Iron Ric.

Upstairs, Iron Ric fires an orb of energy through the roof before it explodes like a firecracker; again, to the other children's delight! As he prepares to do so again, this time in the direction of the other kids…

"I'm only gonna say this once!" Token suddenly appears in his unarmed silver suit with his face exposed. "Get the hell out of here!" His helmet closes on his face completely as the other kids dash outside, excluding Brittany, who hid behind the bar counter. Despite walking outside, the kids didn't leave. They hung out outside to watch the fated fight between Token and Iron Ric.

"Two fights in one day!" Craig chuckles excitedly. "Man, I love this town!"

"You don't deserve to wear that! Take it off!" Token demands.

Iron Ric responds only by sending Token through two walls in the house with one large energy blast! He then jumps into the room, picks Token up by the shoulder, and bashes him against another wall three times before throwing him through to the next floor. Iron Ric jumps through the hole to pursue Token, but doesn't see him right away. Token successfully lands a punch to Iron Ric's left cheek, ducks his right swing, and punches him in the right cheek. However, his next punch is blocked and he receives a punch in both cheeks and a kick in the stomach! Iron Ric subsequently punches Token through the floor into the living room, where he almost lands on Brittany!

"AGH!" Brittany shrieks.

"BRITTANY!" Stan storms back into the house to get Brittany.

"STAN!" Wendy worries for her boyfriend and shrieks herself when Iron Ric jumps through the hole he knocked Token through! He almost lands on him, but Token evades this by rolling away and successfully kicking Iron Ric into the bar counter, creating a powerful shockwave that causes the clubhouse to quake!

"GET OUTTA HERE! GO! GO!" Stan hastily escorts Brittany out of the house as Wendy follows him, looking back at the fight only once.

Token swings at Iron Ric, but he ducks and flips him on his back. The moment he gets back on his feet, he receives a punch in the jaw by Iron Ric. Before he could do it again, Token blocks and punches him in the back of the head! They exchange blows four more times until Iron Ric ends the fight by choke-slamming Token twice and tossing him against the bar counter. Iron Ric turns to face the kids outside, whom were recording as much of the fight as they could on their phones. Then, to the shock of everyone, but none more so than Stan, Brittany, Wendy, and the barely conscious Token…

"JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP HERE?" Cartman, wearing nothing more than his underwear, arrives on the scene, revealing that he isn't the one causing the chaos after all and that his suit is being controlled not by someone else, but _something_ else! Natalia, wearing nothing more than a leopard-fur bikini and having a bottle of oil in her hand, then joins him on the scene as he continues, "CAN'T A GUY GET A MASSAGE IN HIS OWN…HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY CLUBHOUSE?"

Iron Ric, or rather the Iron Ric suit since Cartman is not the wearer, then points a huge ball of energy at the kids outside, ready to kill them! Realizing that with Cartman not in the suit they're in real danger, the kids all ran off to their respective karts in a panic. Just before the suit could fire anyway, Token suddenly gets up with a huge ball of energy of his own and uses it to knock the suit from behind across the room and into the fireplace!

"Token?" Cartman deduces the silver suit's wearer as Token shakes his head.

Natalia then rushes up to the downed suit, pulls a gun-shaped device out of her panties (don't ask why she has that), and points it at the suit, intent on finding something. Eventually, she does. The pebble-sized device that Alvin attached to the suit. That's the reason why it was acting on it's own. Alvin attached it there with the intention of having Cartman's own suit come to life and murder it's creator.

"Workout equipment", my ass! Time to weaponize it! Myself!" Token scoffs at Cartman's earlier lines and flies through a hole in his roof to his (Token's) house! But not before a piece of debris accidentally almost fell on him.

"Hey! Careful, you black asshole! And you!" Cartman's attention goes to Natalia. "Who are you really? Hmm? You're better than Brittany at almost everything and those fight skills of yours didn't come from a karate class if you could beat Stan like that! And on top of that, you're only 10 and you've given me a massage _way_ better than any chick has before and you have a vagina big enough to carry a machine-detecting device?"

Natalia sighs deeply, realizing now that despite Cartman's personality flaws and attention span, he is the furthest thing from a true idiot. "Okay, Eric. You win. Tomorrow, brace yourself for some news you're not gonna believe."

"The hell with tomorrow! Tell me, NOW!" Cartman demands.

"Trust me. It'd be easier to explain it with…my superior." Natalia reasons, to which Cartman reluctantly agrees by sighing.

* * *

><p>The following morning, Cartman, still in the guise of Tony Stark, is being escorted into the school by Stan and the rest of his security (who seem to go to the school as well), well aware that after the events of the previous night, he was going to be swamped with school-restricted media. And sure enough, he is! Cameras flashing. Overlapping questions. Predictably, he develops the urge to kick them all in the nuts (or in the case of the girls, say the most unforgiving, sexist thing).<p>

"So, you got Brittany out?" Cartman asks.

"Yeah, of course." Stan answers.

"Good. Now all I gotta worry about is replacing all the damages to my clubhouse! Half that stuff cost me a fortune!" Cartman mutters.

"Dude, you bought the clubhouse and everything that was in it altogether!" Stan reminds Cartman.

"Keyword "replace", Stan!" Cartman rolls his eyes.

"_ERIC CARTMAN TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!" _Principal Victoria once again demands Cartman's presence.

"Oh, Jeez! What now?" Cartman sighs annoyed.

In the principal's office, Cartman is met by neither Principal Victoria nor Mr. Mackey. But rather by Kyle, Natalia, who now sports a tight leather outfit that zips, and in Principal Victoria's chair…

"S-Samuel L. Jackson? Of S.H.I.E.L.D?" Cartman stutters. "Natalia, you're-you're-"

"Told you you wouldn't believe…handsome." Natalia replies. "Director Jackson sent me in to keep a detailed eye on you."

"For what?" Cartman shrugs.

"Have a seat, Mr. Cartman." Jackson demands as Cartman complies. "You've been very busy, making good on your promises to complete the genocide of the hippies. But I couldn't help but notice that that's putting a strain on the other half of your life. You made your girl CEO to keep things calm. You let your friend take your suit away after you kicked his ass."

"I didn't kick his ass! The suit did!" Cartman defends himself. "And I had that suit made for hi-"

"Hey, I wasn't done with my long line, fatso!" Jackson barks at Cartman, shocking the latter, Natalia, and Kyle! He calmly goes on, "Look, the point is, you can't keep this up forever. You're a kid. Even Natalia has her restrictions. Now, I'm done."

"So, what's your point? What do you want from me?" Cartman folds his arms.

"We wanna get you back to work. Finish the job you started so we can shut down this organization that's been a stick in the ass for the longest and move on to other problems in the world. Like this cult who digs raccoons!" Jackson answers. "We had your previous suit incinerated and are gonna drop on your doorstep equipment for something cooler and stronger topped off with a cherry message…on top. Then, once you're finished, you can go back to just being Eric T. Cartman."

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Are you saying that once I shit out the last of the hippies in the world, you're gonna get me to retire from…_being_ Iron Ric?" Cartman asks disapprovingly. "The world needs a hero, Sam! I _am _that hero!"

"Yes, but you're a mortal hero. You can't go on forever. Besides, think of it this way." Jackson continues. "With no more hippie problems, you'll get even bigger thorns to the dick. Earthquakes. Volcanoes. Firestorms. Tsunamis. The list goes on. You'll end up dropping out of school and turning your back on the one you've developed serious feelings for. Leave her behind like she was nothing more than a product of sexual tension. But if you go back to being a normal, 10-year-old fourth-grader, you can continue to use your intellect to torment your enemies, pursue the one you have feelings for and get her to do the same, and most importantly…avoid all fat jokes by actually getting off your ass and doing something with yourself."

"_Like that'll fucking happen!" _Kyle snickers to himself.

"Hmm…" Cartman thought long and hard. It would suck if he had to continue doing the things that heroes must to keep their title and reputations. And it would rule if things went back to the way they were, with him being lazy and an outspoken jerk of a little boy as ususal.

"Also, if you go back to normal and let us be the heroes, I'll have $10,000,000 wired into your bank account immediately after you say "yes" or "it's a deal"!" Jackson bribed.

"It's a deal!" Cartman quickly shakes Jackson's hand.

* * *

><p>At the clinic of Tenorman Industries, Scott stands in front of Alvin as the doctors remove the bandages from his new face.<p>

"So, what do you think?" Scott holds a mirror up to Alvin, showing us that his new face is completely identical to that of a long-haired…

"Mickey Rourke, huh? Nice!" Alvin approves.

"Follow me to see where you'll be working." Scott sneers.

Walking out of the clinic, Scott shows Alvin a large hangar with dozens of obsolete metallic robots for him (Alvin) to work on. Alvin laughs triumphantly. He knows that now, he'll have what he needs to bring Eric Cartman's anti-hippie empire crumbling down, whether or not his back-up plan to have the overweight boy's own suit kill him was a success.

* * *

><p><strong>Omega Note: Whoo! What a chapter! Pretty epic, huh? Revealing Cartman's chief nemesis Scott Tenorman as the conniving main antagonist of the story? And how do you like the Alvin Marko character? If you don't know Mickey Rourke, he played Whiplash (AKA Ivan Vanko), the main villain, in Iron man 2. Also, about Cartman's "black asshole" line, I'm merely just staying true to his character as much as I can.<strong> **I have **_**nothing**_** against black people. Especially when I myself am black! **

**All right, everyone! Three down, one to go. And you can bet your asses that I'm gonna end this baby on a satisfactory note! Just be there to voice your opinions when it comes out, public reviews and everything! **


End file.
